A Month of Cleansing #11 (Halloween)

I must say, before i begin this entry, although...i suppose this is the beginning isn't it? Well, before i begin what i really wanted to convey, i must say that this "month of cleansing" has gone horribly. HORRIBLY! I've watched TV or a movie just about every night, i've eaten poorly (not as much, which is good, but what i did eat wasn't exactly the healthiest), i didn't stick to my strictly fruits & veggies diet (yes...yes, i ate meat), and i haven't spent nearly the amount of time with God that i wanted to.

With that in mind, i'm left with a couple choices. Do i make November a month of cleansing and work at it with more effort than i did this month? Do i kick myself several times over for nearly missing my October goal entirely? Perhaps both? Maybe secret option D, eject. But i don't want to eject. Sure the weather gets a little rough, but my plane's in tact. The pilot just needs to step up and fly. Offer prayers up for me please...

Joe's here, so i have to go, but i'll give you a sample of the things to come in this entry...

pillow cases
merging vs. changing
candy favorites

And now i'm back to satisfy the hunger in you brought on by the previews above. What's good for you is that you can time travel strait from the above paragraphs to the below. I had to wait for two days to get to the lower portion.

On Halloween, the greatest purpose that one has for dressing in costumes and systematically covering every doorfront on your street and the surrounding neighborhood is the candy. It would probably be easier to just spend a few bucks at the grocery store for a bag or two of candy, but where would the fun be in that? The cashier's not going to ask you in a tolerably condescending manor, "And what are you?" And even if (s)he did, answering back with, "I'm a half chicken, half butter dish, Buick-eating grilled chicken salad," just wouldn't hold its true sway. Whatever the demonic or otherwise beginnings of Halloween happen to be, i for one am glad that the costume-wearing, trick-or-treating tradition grew from it.

Over the years there has amassed a great selection of costumes with which to don oneself in the spirit of Halloween, the method of candy toting also has its varieties. There's the hollow plastic pumpkin with a black handle, the bucket, the bag, and certainly others that have been used by a child or two. But, among them all, is the classic pillowcase. It's my personal favorite both for its versatility in the field and for the challenge of completely filling it. To do such an improbable task, the house must be left by at least 4:30, and returned to by no earlier than 9:00. The neighborhood must be covered swiftly without hesitation or concern for other participants or noncombatants. The pillowcase is a sign of a true trick-or-treater.

When returning to your home after a night of candy acquisition, however long it may have lasted, the first and best thing to do is immediately empty the contents of your container (which is hopefully the aforementioned favorite). The candy spills out, forming a pile of many colors, shapes, and smells. Certain pieces are immediately dismissed, to be given out later to a friend, a sibling, or perhaps the neighbor's fish. The remaining sugar variants are sorted into their individual clans which are sorted collectively into a flavor hierarchy, depending on your own appetence. In my confectionary assemblage things like tootsie rolls, jawbreakers, bubble gum (the generic one in that yellow-blue wrapper), licorice, twizlers, and other similar candies got sent to the nethermost rung. The top was always dominated by the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I'd put them aside to be used in moderation until all the candy was finally consumed. They were like gold.

So Joe was on the phone with me during a portion of his drive down from Boston, and he asked, "What's the difference between changing lanes, and merging lanes? Aren't they the same thing? I mean, when you're changing lanes, aren't you merging lanes as well? They've gotta be the same thing, right?" That may not be verbatim, but it's the general idea that matters. To answer his question, this is what i came up with...

Changing:
To change a lane, one must be in a lane. Changing, by definition, involves a state of being, and an altered state of being. Your automobile, and consequently you, move from lane A into lane B. Changing therefore involves two lanes. The lane you were in, and the lane you're moving to.

Merging:
To merge into a lane, one does not have to be in a lane to begin with. Merging, by definition, involves only movement into, not from. Merging therefore involves only lane B.

I hope that clears up any confusion.

A Month of Cleansing #10 (War & A Letter)

While watching Saving Private Ryan, i cannot help but to look at war with a loss of words and a complete absence of understanding. Well, i can't say that with entire truth. I understand that there are some things worth fighting for, and there are some things worth dying for. But, at the same time that i can aknowledge the necessity for battle, and i realize World War II was certainly fought for a righteous cause, i still weep at the loss of life that some freedoms require. To think that there are, and will continue to be, people that clutch selfish, ignorant ends so tightly that others must give their lives to pry them away is overwhelming.

There's a letter that a General reads to some men under him who feel the Private Ryan mission is a foolish waste of resources. It has a way of addressing the necessity of life to protect certain ways of life as well as the incredible loss that war brings. It's also written in a way that i'm sorry we don't write anymore. It was a letter written to a Mrs. Bixby in Boston.

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the war department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine that would attempt to beguile you from the grielf of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours very sincerely and respectfully,
Abraham Lincoln

A Month of Cleansing #9 (Musings)

Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"...there's a version by Rufus Wainwright that i heard first, but i think i prefer this one. It starts out slower, and it just seems a little deeper. Wainwright's is kind of cut out of a piece of paper whereas Buckley's...i dunno, doesn't? Whatever.

And now a random selection of musings from this past week, and some from even further back.

ALIENS
Joe came up with this theory, but i think it's funny so i'd like to share it. He belives that aliens are patient, and will conquer this planet slowly. Rather than bring on a full scale attack, they're going to take their time and slowly cause the degredation of our natural resources. Knowing we need oxygen to live, the main source of which is trees, their plan is to constantly fly over creating more paperwork for us to fill out. The more paperwork we fill out, the more trees we cut down, the more trees we cut down the less oxygen we have. Yes UFO sightings comprise just a small portion of the paperwork filled out each year, but like i said...they're patient.

At least that's what i thought. But Joe corrected me. Aliens already came and teamed up with our government, and together they're going to deplenish our resources. That's why the government requires so much paperwork (for the aforementioned reasons). That's also why the military fills out everything in triplicate. One gets used, two get thrown out or lost.

MUFF-PUFFS
There are creatures, about the size of five-year-olds that live in yards all across the world. They are called muff-puffs. They look like those little cottonball characters with arms, legs, and two googly eyes. What they love, more than anything in the world, is to dig holes in backyards. Any size will do, though their preference is a 4ft. diameter circular hole. They are quite good at what they do, and they have devised a way to lure unsuspecting homeowners into allowing their molish habits.

They come to your door and, when you answer, say, "Holes." And you, in confusion (mostly because they have never before made themselves visible to you) ask, "Holes?" And they, now seeing their mischievous plan has worked, reply, "Okay." They run strait to your backyard alarmingly fast. You stand there for a bit pondering what just transpired, though you are bizarrely unphased by their appearance. You make your way into the backyard, walking slowly so as not to give your now completely baffled mind too much input at once. There, dust still in the air, you find about 17 freshly dug holes at least 6 ft. deep each. They're randomly placed throughout the yard and there is no sign of a single muff-puff anywhere.

MERGING OF TWO JOKES
Yesterday my kids (at work...i don't have any of my own) had a joke going. Well, Melissa and i started it, but they found it rather amusing and decided to make it their own. We would say, "Hey Jeremy," as an example, "your mom's here." "Where?" he would wonder, looking about the room, first at the door. Then Melissa and i would erupt with sarcastic laughter at the foolishness that they fell for it. That was the first "joke".

The other joke, i started. I would pretend to puke on a kid. I'd wake up to them, puff up my cheeks as if i was going to puke, then go, "BLAAAAAAAAT!!" and pretend to let it all out on their clothes, in their hood (if they had one), or in a pocket or two. They would return the gesture, finding a different spot on my person to leave the contents of their regurgitation episode.

So, in review...

First joke:
"Hey, Jeremy, your mom's here."
Jeremy looks at the door.
"HA HA HA HAAAA! You looked!"

Second joke:
"Hey, Jeremy, i think..." cheeks get puffed out with a, "mmm" sound
"BLAAAAAAAAT!" opening their shirt and pretending to puke in it.

I'm not sure how it got started, but the jokes merged into one. It was very funny.

(the kids doing it to me)
"Hey, Adam, your mom's here."
I look at the door as if she were actually coming through.
"BLAAAAAAAAAT!!" they puke on me.

CANDY CORN: TOP or BOTTOM?
I thought that with candy corn, the yellow was the top (the big part) and the white was the bottom (the small part). Apparently my fellow employees see them differently. Both Robin, my boss, and Melissa, my partner, believe the white to be the top, and the yellow to be the bottom. Where do you stand on the issue?

YELLOW
I have a feeling yellow's going to be really big soon. Many, many people are going to want to step up and say, "I'm a fan of yellow," but only because it's just gained fame. But i will be able to say, "I'm a true yellow fan. I've been with it since before." So there...

SEEDS: INFINITY
I think it's a really neat thing to know that inside a single seed lies a potentially infinite supply if one plant. A seed grows a plant, which produces seeds, which grow plants, which produce seeds, which grow plants, and so on. Isn't that cool? A seed, when taken care of properly, can just keep going and going.

STICKERS
Why are stickers so cool to kids? They adhere to a piece of clothing for less than a day. You can't keep them for a long time, they don't do much besides sticking to stuff, they lack the interactive qualities of toys, and they disappear the next day. So what's the big deal?

"Peter, if you do this, i'll reward you with a sticker."
"Oh boy!" Peter exclaims, then runs off to complete the task. I just don't see what the big deal is.

I wonder when the day is that a kid realizes a sticker just isn't that great anymore. Must be a sad day, similar to finding out the easter bunny doesn't lay chocolate eggs, his wife does. Poor souls.

FROM WORK
My kids have taught me many things, but these are some amusing pieces of acquired knowledge i'd like to pass along to you.

"Juice + white = milk."
"G starts with green."
Anything past tense gets another 'ed' at the end. Example: "He kickeded me!"
"Everyone is different. Some people like their music loud, and some don't. Some people don't like to drive safely and get into accidents, and some do."
"If you talk during the movie we throw the TV out the window and put mustard on it."
The boogie man used to live in the back closet, but he moved to Florida.



Alright, that concludes my musings for the evening. On that note, i'm off...i hope you've enjoyed a brief glimpse into that which

A Month of Cleansing #8 (Crash)

I'm watching Crash, and i felt the need to get some thoughts out while it's running.

There's racism all over this film. Not in the sense that the makers of it are racist, but the characters are racist towards each other.

The scene where the officer pulls the black woman from the burning car...i wept. I didn't cry because a woman was pulled from a burning vehicle safely, i cried tears of sorrow because of how true the scene is. It takes a catastrophic event for us to pull together. The officer, who was racist towards the very same woman earlier in the film, suddenly feels compassionate and has a desire to help this woman enough to pull her from a burning car. It's genuine, but it took their lives on the line to get him out of his racist mindset. How true that is to life. It took 9.11 for this country to pull together, and here we are four years later fighting about the same pety shit we always have been. I weep for the human race.

People do some sick stuff. Some really sick stuff. We all walk around with these racial profiles and stereotypes in our head. Yes, we all do to varying degrees. And it seems that no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, they don't go anywhere. They stay right here. I think what makes it worse though it is that we all perpetuate them by our foolish, uneducated, ignorant decisions. But the part that gets me; the part that really fires me up is that as much as i can talk about everyone else in this way, talk about the human race as being ignorant and stubborn, i am just as guilty. Not at any point in my life have i ever been, or will i ever be, any better than anyone else.

It's only by the grace of God that we have made it as far as we have. If it were up to us, we'd have killed ourselves off long ago.

In our daily travels through this complicated and difficult existence, we're all faced with various moments and events. Some of them involve thought and choice, and some of them are beyond our control. No matter which of the two we're in, we can interact, learn from it, let it affect us, or let it pass by without a single movement. The change that it brings can be positive or negative. What it all comes down to is choice. Decision. And it's yours.

A Month of Cleansing #7, supplimentary (The Checklist)

Wow, two posts in one day. Trying to decide whether to title it #8 or simply a second part of #7, i thought i'd go by day rather than by entry. Although, in that case, this would technically be #15. I'll just stick to what i feel like doing. Deal with it.

Why do i enjoy it so much when people fit the mold? My mold, that is. Or rather, when girls fit my mold, though i suppose it would apply to new guy friends as well, but for now, let's leave it on girls. Girls. SIDENOTE: I'm 22, soon to be 23 and i still call female peers girls. I just can't come to calling them "women", and "young women" is too long ot keep saying. I dunno...chic? I guess i'll call them from here on in. Chics. Sorry if that offends my female readers (if there are any) :END SIDENOTE

ANYWAYS, i profess that i want people to be themselves, and let everyone including me deal with who they are. I've always asked everyone i know to do that...just be honest with who you are and what you want. Don't sugarcoat things for me, don't hide pieces of you that you're afraid might offend or cause embarrassment to either party. And yet, somewhere in the recesses of my mind is this checklist. Some guy's sitting there with it, and when things i like come up, he checks them off (it's very long), and when things i don't like come up, he makes a little note. And there's this notch system, and when a check is made, the bar moves up a notch or so (depending on what the check is for). When a note is made, the bar moves down (again, the amount depending on the note).

And what gets me is that i'm contradicting the whole "be yourself" thing with that checklist. I want to burn it. And just have a list with your name on it. And on that list i'll have:

Favorite ice cream flavor
Orange juice with or without pulp (if you like it at all)
Favorite movies (can never pick just one)
What you do with time by yourself
The little things you appreciate
The little things you could do without
Those little quirks that make you who you are

Basically everything that makes you who you are, without a check or a note by it. Just a "who you are" list, not a "what i like/dislike about you" list. Because THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is really letting you be yourself. And until that first list is destroyed, i'm just being a hypocrite. I can't stand hypocrites (we all are).

Three pancakes just walked in the door. They look pretty serious, i should see what's up.

A Month of Cleansing #7 (The Box)

Watching a Boston Market commercial, i decided to download the song in the background. Reverend Horton Heat singing, "Eat Steak". It's very Johnny Cash. Speaking of commercials, there's that Pizza Hut one where they say, "it's our 25th anniversary," or something like that, "so to celebrate, we thought we'd give everyone a quarter." Then they proceed to drop thousands of quarters from a hot air balloon, sending pedestrians below into a panic while George Washington goes crashing into cars, buildings, all kinds of things. I decided the girl in it is cute. Why i came to that conclusion is obvious. Why i chose to share it with you will end up in the box.

Ah, the box. Chelsea and i were talking in the car on thursday night, and i made it up on the spot, but decided to keep it. The box is the place where all things unheard go. We each have our own, and as such, they all contain different things. When you're standing with a bunch of people and you vocalize some random musing, but no one hears it, that goes in the box. When you tell a joke, and in your head it makes complete sense, but no one gets it; that goes in the box. SIDENOTE: interupted by a phone call. music is on random again. Linkin Park, "Session"...very enjoyable piece of music, especially when loud or in headphones) :END SIDENOTE so, this box. Yeah, it's out there somewhere at the end of the universe with my name in black marker. "Adam" it says. One might wonder how i would be able to tell my box from all the other Adams out there. To that, i simply say, "Chicken nuggets, good sir. Chicken nuggets." I'll receive the box and be able to view all its contents when i die. God will hand it to me. "Here's your box, Adam."

But, for now, it's just floating out there at the end of the universe. I'm not sure which end, but it's not for me to know just yet. Beside the box is a table with a phonograph on it. There are no apparent speakers, but the music playing sounds great. It changes with me. Whatever fits the moment i'm in gets played. Some days it's Hawaiian, other days it's opera. You just never know. Like right now it's playing the intro to Matrix Revolutions. Odd, yes. But very cool to be listening to at the end of the jar that our world sits in.

Actually, now that i mention that, i'm very much in the mood for The Matrix right now. Even if just to listen to while i'm doing something. Wow i'm tired. My eyes have been closed again while i'm typing. I stayed up until 4 am due to some flooding issues. As you may or may not know today marks the end of an 8-day raining period. The backyard flooded, the street was flooded at one point, and water got into the basement.

I went outside to check it out, and i was so psyched up to see just how much water there was outside. I could've gone swimming in the backyard, and there was so much water in the street that a Buick lost its hubcap when it impacted the puddle. Very cool. I had to clean most of the water on the carpets downstairs with a wet-vac, and the rest will have to evaporate in time with the aid of some house fans.

a new subject
Here's an away message i put up the othe rnight:
My skin has gone without the intimate touch of a female for many days now. Without hesitation, i can say that i long for it. I crave it. But what part of me does? My heart, or my flesh? And if i were to appease that desire, would i be truly satisfied, or continue to hunger? A simple touch can carress the very fabric of my inner being, but it is only a temporary relief. What i really long for is an infinite intimacy. A relationship that resides in my very soul. And for that, i must turn to He who created me. Only with Him can i find my true purpose, my true identity, my true reason.

I really do miss touch.

Alright, before i become completely engulfed by sleep i'm going to go upstairs, take a shower, put on The Matrix on my laptop and speakers while i do so, then go for a bike ride with my camera and see what i can discover.

Don Davis, Matrix Revolutions soundtrack, "Woman Can Drive"

A Month of Cleansing #6 (Both Hands)

Ani DiFranco, "Both Hands"...although by the time i got down to typing this first sentence, i had already switched to "Untouchable Face", a live version (which is better). The meaning, that which the song conveys, really doesn't apply to me. But the style of music, the sound that it brings to my conscious thought, is the reason for its current playback. "Lost Woman Song". There's just something about the acoustic sounds that emerge from the pit of her guitar that soothe my soul in a deeply pensive way.

"some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times" -- Ain't that the truth.

"Both Hands" is about a past relationship that grew slowly worse, but through it all there's this physical and sexual imagery.

And both hands, now use both hands
Oh no, don't close your eyes
I am writing grafiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried.

And i am watching your chest rise and fall
Like the tides of my life and the rest of it all
And your bones have been my bed frame
And your flesh has been my pillow
I've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep
With both hands

Of course, i have not had the pleasure of sex yet, by choice, so i can't quite relate. But despite that, there's something in the lyrics and in her contemplative strumming and plucking that reaches deep inside me, striking a few chords in my own soul. I don't know what it's like to experience intimacy so real it's tangible, but there have been moments in life that i would like to pull out and experience all over again.

I would write (type) more, and i certainly wish that i could, but i seem to be sleepy, judging by the fact that my eyelids were closed for the last few sentences. So i'm calling it here. More tomorrow, or in a couple days i suppose. Life won't run out of questions or complexities any time soon, so i'm not worried about a lack of material.

Thanks for your time, dear reader(s).

A Month of Cleansing #5 (Do Combos)

no music, but i did enjoy an INCREDIBLE performance last night by the Hartford Symphony Orchestra. They played the music of John Williams including scores from the films Star Wars (several of them), Superman, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Harry Potter, Schindler's List, E.T., Jurassic Park, and an overture from "The Cowboys", an old TV show with John Wayne. Very cool. I made a CD with the pieces they performed, and i've been listening to it since i got up this morning.

That was with my cousin Chelsea (the orchestra at the Bushnell). Heather was going to come with us, but as you all know (or should know based on a previous entry), we broke up. That's not exactly grounds to not go somewhere with someone, but since it's still pretty fresh in our hearts, it would've been a little difficult for both of us. So, i invited Chelsea to come. Realizing she enjoyed that sort of thing after she invited me to the Hartt Symphony Orchestra (at the University of Hartford), i thought she might appreciate it. And that's exactly what i was looking for...someone to come with us who would appreciate it. It worked out for everyone. It was good to have her with us, and she enjoyed it.

Previously that day, Jaime and i had been galavanting across eastern CT within my silvery stallion. Well...more of a pony, really, but she gets good gas milage. My little Honda Civic (98, LX). I average 30+ mpg, which is pretty good these days. We drove to Taylor Brooke Winery where we sampled all of their...seven different wines? I think that's correct. Best in the lineup was their "Chocolate Essence" wine, which is outstanding. You need two sips to fully explore the flavor. On the first sip, as Mr. Brooke (don't know his real name) said, "You taste the dark chocolate. But on the second sip you taste raspberries...". He went on to name a couple more fruit flavors that emerged, but i don't recall what they were. Anywho, it was delicious. I bought a bottle of that for myself, and a bottle of the Peach Reisling for Jaime, although i'm holding it for ransom in exchange for a night of sushi, hommus (spelling?), and perhaps a movie. When we meet at the drop-off point, the aforementioned food and drink will be partaken of simultaneously.

After that, we went to what i thought was an orchard i had been to before, but turned out to be something completely new. I don't doubt it had been standing their in existence for quite some time, but as i had never seen it, i can't say for sure. It goes by the name of Woodstock Orchards. Small place, but good apples (by looking at them...i haven't tasted any yet). SIDENOTE: Chelsea's coming over on Thursday and we're going to make apple crisp and watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind (great film): END SIDENOTE. I bought half a peck of Courtlands to be used in the previously referred to apple crisp. I hope it turns out well, for its sake. Poor thing comes out of the oven all burnt, doesn't want to play with any other baked apple dishes. If only it knew how inviting and receptive other apples can be. I guess i'll have to comfort it with some brown sugar or something.

If only life were that simple:
"You know i've been feeling a little under the weather lately."
"Gee, i'm sorry, Adam. Here, have some brown sugar."
"Wow...i feel so much better. Thanks, buddy."
But, alas, 'tis not.

So, how ya doin there? Yeah? Okay.
The new interacive blog.
If you're doing well, continue to #3
If you're not doing well, continue to #2
If you're feeling in between, continue to #1

#1:
Yeah, i know how you feel. Not bad, not great. Honestly that's not such a bad place to be. Life is a little easier in the middle. If you fall, it's not that far, and if you rise, well...good. Maybe you should eat a banana.

#2:
I'm sorry to hear that. Why? (explain situation here) I'd give you a hug if i could reach from here. If i'm with you, just remind me i said that and i'll give you one. I realize a hug won't fix everything, but it might help you to feel at least a bit more comfortable, if nothing else. Maybe you should eat a banana.

#3.
Wow, that's great. Why are things going well for you? (explain situation here) That's cool. I certainly hope things stay well for you. Maybe you should eat a banana.

And what have we learned from these options? No matter how you feel in life, you might want to eat a banana. I'm not sure what it'll do for you, but apparently it's worth suggesting in all three of those situations. It seems almost like one of my philosophies:

No matter how full in life you get, there's always room for Jell-O.

Wow, that's like the biggest tangent i've ever gotten off on. Let's get back to the subject. Jaime and i had a good time. Well, i can at least speak for myself. Jaime seemed like she did, but i'm not telepathic (though sometimes i wish i were...yes, that's correct grammar), so i don't know for sure. We stopped at a cemetary just to get out and walk for a bit, since we'd been in the car for a while. My idea, but she seemed cool with it.

For lunch we stopped at Wendy's. She found a piece of plastic in her burger, but she ate the rest of it anyways. That's kind of the way you have to live life. Flaws and faults will arise, or become apparent, but that's no reason to stop. Just keep eating. Or swimming, as Dori likes to sing. Wendy's is where the "do combos" thing comes in. I was looking at a sign that said, "Do Combos. do what tastes right," or something like that. My brain, when it interperetted the words that enterred optically into the system, chose to use spanish. So instead of reading, "do combos" (read normally), my brain read, "Do Combos" (read as if they were spanish words). I felt a little stupid, but thought it was quite humerous, as did she.

Came back, sat for a little, talked, brought her to work (Chuck & Augie's...at least that's how i imagine it's spelled), then left to pick up Chelsea for a night at the orchestra.

Well, that's that. I've been feeling a bit more positive (more parentheses just for kicks) these past few days, so that's a good thing. Let's hope it sticks. I'm going to bed now...my body needs rest, as does my mind. Thinking wears (spelling?) me out.

Maybe you should eat a banana.

A Month of Cleansing #4 (Second Dream)

Rolling Stones, "Miss You"...odd choice for 8 am on a rainy saturday, but i saw it on my playlist and thought, "I think i'd like to listen to that song." I have it on random and i shuffle through waiting for a good song to listen to. This one stuck out, apparently.

Maybe i am a bit more honest here than most people would think your average blogger should be. But i'm not your average blogger now am i? In fact, i'm not your average person. Statistically speaking, i don't exist. But that's for another time. I had another dream last night, this time about working at the stork club.

First, a dream from a few nights ago...

Emma was on the carpet and i was yelling at her for something. It was one of those quick, "HEY, CUT THAT OUT!" things. Well, as i was, a state worker came in and got mad because our club had gotten written up for the employees yelling at the kids. So, she pulled me upstairs and gave me a good-sized scolding lecture about how i should talk to the kids, and why i shouldn't yell. Sasha was in the kitchen, where the state woman brought me, and she was crying because she had gotten in trouble for the same thing (which is odd, because she works with the infants). I don't remember much else.

And now, our feature presentation:

I dreamed that Sue, Stephen's mom, came in and got mad at me because i placed him near Michael during naptime. Michael's a loud kid, so she blamed him (and me) for Stephen not being able to sleep. She actually started to get really loud and frustrated, and since i didn't want a scene, i looked at her from across the room (yes, she was getting frustrated on the other side of the room) and i motioned for her to quiet down a little. I did that thing where my eyes get a little wider (not in an angry way), and i move my hand down to signify getting quieter. She was respectful of that, and came over to talk to me. I explained to her that we have a lot of loud kids at naptime, and if i put them all together, it would be really hard to get them to quiet down, so i separate them. So, no matter where i put Stephen, he's going to be near a loud kid. I was very calm during my explanation.

Nothing in the dream surprised me, except for one thing. I actually stood up to her (again, not in an angry way), and said what i felt was right. I don't usually do that. I tend to shy away from those situations at work because i'm afraid the parent will get mad or whatever. It was pretty nice to stand my ground. I've been trying to get myself to do that. Even if i end up being wrong, i need to commit to what i feel is the right thing, and stand my ground. I mean, i have to be open to what others have to say, but if i truly feel that what i'm doing/saying needs to be stood for, then i need to do that. For instance, when parents come i tend to back down from telling the kids they can't do things that normally i wouldn't let them do. I have to stop. If a parent doesn't like the way i work, or the way i discipline, that's not really my problem. I'm certainly open to suggestion, but if i feel something needs to be done, then i need to do it whether they like it or not.

Well, that's what i learned from last night's dream. I'm getting better at standing my ground, and i need to continue improving in that area. I've been so uncommitted that i don't know what i stand for anymore. I certainly hope i can strengthen that part of me...reinforce the walls.

Coldplay, "Trouble"

A Month of Cleansing #3 (The Dream)

no music...just woke up a half hour ago, typing this up as quickly as possible, then i'm getting ready and heading off to work, hopefully on time again.

Last night, i had a dream that my car broke down and pastor Gregg lent me the big old black one in his garage (great looking car, i think it's an old Mercury), and i had to return it by the same evening. Then, i went to Jaime's house for dinner, who happened to live next door to Gregg. I imagine she was on the brain probably in anticipation of tomorrow with her and wondering what will happen since the rain will most likely put apple picking on the bottom of the list, or at least lower than it is now. I wanted to show Gregg how much i appreciated his lending me the car, so i thought filling the gas tank back up would be a good way to do it, especially on an old car like that. But, oddly enough, before i went to Jaime's door i was trying to figure out which car's gas tank to fill up before returning it, the Mercury or the Blazer. Doug used to own the Blazer that was in the dream, but why i was even considering filling up a car other than the one he lent me, i don't know, but i was. I kept driving up and down the hill in between the yards trying to figure it out. Then, still not having made up my mind, i approached Jaime's door. It was the back door, one of those sliding glass ones, but there was a curtain or something down in front of it so i could see her inside, but in a blurry kind of way. I had one shoe on, one shoe off (don't remember why), and she noticed me outside and came to the door. "How long have you been outside?" she asked. I answered, "Not long," even though i had been driving up and down the hill for a good five minutes, which is a long time for that sort of thing. I was actually wondering how she didn't hear the car outside while i was doing it. So, we had dinner and we had a good time together, and then i woke up. Really weird dream...i mean, enjoyable and all, but just weird.

Thoughts anyone?

A Month of Cleansing #2 (In The Waiting Line)

Zero Seven, "In The Waiting Line"

I'm not sure what this song really means, but she's constantly singing, "Wasting my time in the waiting line," and i feel like that's what i'm doing. I wake up and go through the same work-week motions that i've been going through for the last 4 1/2 years. I'm pretty freekin' sick and tired of it, to be honest. I lack the motivation and passion that i really want to have for life and the things around me. I work at the Stork Club because it's comfortable. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids, but...i need to get the hell out of there.

I'm not taking classes, and i feel incredibly stupid. I haven't learned a single new thing (aside from the revelations i've been having about my own self) for quite some time. I see the world moving around me, but i can't seem to mobilize my own self. Here i stand in the waiting line, just watching the numbers increase slowly until mine comes. But is that really what i should be doing? While i'm going through this temporary existence, should i just sit around comfortably waiting it out? Absolutely not. Life isn't comfortable, so for mine to be right now denotes something amiss.

I want to go out and do something crazy, maybe something that noone has ever done before. As unlikely as the latter half of that thought is, i still want to go out and do something crazy. Put myself on the slimmest, most structurally unsound limb i can find. I'm not saying i'll do a tight-rope act atop some skyscraper or anything like that, but i'm getting pretty damn bored here. And it's not like this is what God wants either. I'm sure His plan for me doesn't read, "sitting comfortably while waiting through life." His plan calls for action. ACTION! Again, not something stupid, just action. Words can mean a lot, but they don't amount to anything without action. I can sit here and say, "I want to finish up school," but until i actually do, they're just empty letters stuck together to form empty thoughts.

On another note...

Jaime and i are supposed to go apple picking this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly because it's apple season, and as we all know (or should), autumn is the GREATEST time of year. I'm going out to get her at UConn from which we'll go to a winery where i'm getting a bottle of this Chocolate Essence wine. I hope to go to Lyman Orchards but since going there will mean travelling half the state, we might end up going somewhere else. I'm not sure.

Anyways, i haven't hung out with Jaime in a long time, and since i'm trying to get myself to stop seeing girls as my source of identity and masculinity, i thought it might be good to just do something fun with her. So, apple picking it is. My past Jaime situation is kind of funny. She's on the list of crushes (yes, i have a list).

Wow, nostalgia sets in fast. Her name ended up on there the night of the Super Bowl. Not the football one, the church one where we see a hockey game, hear a Biblical message, watch and interact with "let's make a deal" on the ice, go rollerblading, and go bowling, all from 6pm to 6am the following morning. Anyways, we were bowling, the second to last stop of the evening, and i was walking by the lanes to go somewhere, i don't remember where, and i happened to look over at her. I knew who she was previous to this event, but there was something different about the way she looked tonight. As soon as i saw her, everything around me slowed down. For a short moment everything was happening in slow motion. Of course, reality set in, objects returned to moving at regular speed, and i moved on with the evening, but that moment was key in the development of the crush. It was the beginning.

Of course, that's all in the past now, but as with everything else that's happened in my life's time passed so far, it certainly impacted who i was, and who i am. On to other things...

On the way home from the Big E the other night i called Emily to see if she wanted to hang out, maybe go for a walk or something. She was busy, but left me a message after i left her one just saying that it was good to hear from me and that she'd love to hang out some time. I had to calm myself down after i left her mine (message) and remind myself that she was not the answer to the lonely spot in my life. God is the only one who can fill that spot, and my wanting to get together with Emily was strictly just to hang out with an old friend. It took a few deep breaths and some outloud reasoning, but i finally got myself in the right spot.

I've had to teach myself to do that...to calm down in a situation where i might get hyped up about something, and to either think clearly, or not think at all (which can sometimes be better). "Adam," i say out lout, "You need to chill out. Just breathe for a second, let the initial excitement pass, then find out what you really want here." It's difficult and can sometimes take longer than i'd like it, but overall it's working very well.

Stop overthinking, Adam. Just sit down, breathe, relax, let life flow as it will, concentrate on who you really are, then get back up when you're ready. It's constant battle with myself.

A Month of Cleansing #1

Comcast's "Singers and Standards" music channel. Just finished up Lena Horne singing "The Surry with the Fringe on Top" and now we're on to Jack Jones with "Willow Weep For Me"

It's just a quiet jazz evening. As much as some people might not call that kind of music "jazz", and maybe they're right, it's the perfect music for such a peaceful autumn's eve. Most people would also not have their windows open when it's 60 degrees outside and slowly dropping, but i'm not really most people now am i? (No...the answer is no.) I'm gracing the left side of the couch with my gray "comfy pants" which are entirely too large for me. Probably two or more sizes above what i need them to be. But, in all honesty, that's part of what makes them so "comfy".

Sarah Vaughan, "It Never Entered My Mind", just in case you want to keep up with the changing music.

Anywho, descriptions of my physical environment aside, today began the month of October, which for me as well as any other true New Englander, is the greatest month of the year. The air gets to that comfortably cool level where you can wear sweatshirts all the time and cuddle up with someone (i have to work on that). The leaves waltz their way through vibrant changes in color, and the smells of burning wood and apples baked into almost everything drift their way on the increasingly windy weather.

Billie Holiday, "You Better Go Now"...Billie has a wonderful ability to reach my soul when she sings.

October is also volume one in an incredible trilogy of months. It begins autumn and apple/pumpkin season, and causes candy accumulation with Halloween. November finishes up the last of the best parts of the fall and hugs us with Thanksgiving. Then December begins the wintry portion of the seasons and fills our mugs with Christmas, the most deliciously myrthful time of year.

In the spirit of this final quarter of 2005, i have decided to make October my "month of cleansing". I will not be eating any meat, not be watching any movies or television in excess; in fact, not at all with the exception of my Tuesday night lineup (Gilmore Girls and House). I'm sure i'll sneak in a movie here and there on some evening after i've spent the day productively. No junk food of any kind, and i will only be drinking water, milk, 100 % juice, and of course, apple cider. Of course, when i go to the Big E tomorrow, i'm sure there will be a few exceptions to that, but it's a special enough occasion to warrant such a distraction.

With hope, i will be able to not only get myself away from all of that junk for a month, but keep it up afterwards as well. I'd like to read some books during this time, and put some more entries into here as i go through all of this. I'd like to keep a record of this month's events. Good luck to me.

Ella Fitzgerald, "I'm Old Fashioned"

That'll be it for now...enjoy the autumn, everyone. Be sure to drink several glasses of apple cider, and eat as much apple crisp as you can.