Laughing Ever Since

Hum, hiss and click of the older but still usefull VL-3. Yep, i'm at work; all the way in the back. It's "Rich's" area, but today we are sharing (not that he had a say in it). So i 'm sitting at the bench (table, desk, ?) built for two and the right half, at least for now, belongs to me.

A long time ago...welll, in the grand scheme of things, not that long ago (seventh grade), i made a decision to not take life so seriously. It happened in an instant and i didn't realize the full implications of the decision until years later, and partially just now.

f l a s h b a c k (warpy fade effect combined with the sound of a harp)

Science class would begin in a few minutes. I sat on the left side of the room, third desk from the front. Why Steve was making fun of me or what he was saying, i don't remember. But i can still see his face. He was turned around (facing me) from the next desk up (towards the front). His taunts, in addition to the laughter from kids in the surrounding desks (and perhaps an already unpleasant string of preceeding events) were too much. I could feel the tears forming. They wanted out. They wanted emotional release. My feelings were hurt and they wanted to prove it.

But in that instant; right there, right then, something in me changed. A switch was thrown. A button was pushed. A valve was opened. Whatever it was, it was quick and it was good. The tears retreated, my mouth opened wide, and what came out?

"You ____ing son of a ____! You think you're so "cool" and "macho", but let me tell you something you ____! You can't _____ say _____ and _______ and on top of that, your mom _____ and you were ______ on a Thursday morning! So ______!" (Fill the blanks in with whatever you find appropriate).

No, what came out of my mouth was laughter.

Laughter?

Yep.

I wasn't laughing simply to avoid crying in front of them, it was genuine. It was real. I was actually laughing. Probably out of confusion or not knowing what else to do, Steve said, "He's laughing!" then turned back around and left me alone. Why the heck was i laughing?

I really don't know, but i've been laughing ever since.

Perhaps i realized that it doesn't really matter what anyone says about me. Who are they to judge? Ani DiFranco sang, "They're like fish in water that don't know they are wet. As far as i can tell, the world isn't perfect yet." They can say all they want about anyone, but at the end of the day they're surrounded by just as much of the same water. Think about that next time you want to call someone "stupid" for something. Haven't you done stupid things before? I have.

Maybe laughter became an escape. It doesn't hurt or pull on your insides the way crying does. But i don't think that's the case. When i laugh, it's not me avoiding negativity. I actually do find humor in the situation. There's something about awkward silences, for instance, that brings comedy. So i laugh.

Sometimes i feel that people grow uncomfortable around me; they think i'm laughing at them. But i'm not. I don't laugh at people. I know what it feels like. I just laugh at the situation or sometimes for no particular reason at all. So if you're ever with me and you catch me laughing, remember; it's not at you. Feel free to ask me what it is at. I'm sure i'll have at least a half understandable explanation.

My dad thought i was laughing at him today. He needed an insert for a tool, and wanted a box of them to be on the nearby desk (which is, presently, the cleanest and most organized desk in the whole shop). But there wasn't one. So, angrily, he said, "Ya know...when i haven't worked on a machine for a while, things get lost and disorganized. I like the tools to be right here so i can just reach for one and get it. I always organize it that way." So i laughed. Not at him, but at what was behind what he said.

My dad thinks everyone wines and complains in the shop. Let's define "wining" or "complaining" as the verbal expression of particular dislike or dissatisfaction over a specific situation, event, or otherwise. Isn't that what he was just doing? He's also under the impression that the shop, and perhaps the rest of the world, should run the way he sees fit. If it's not Tim's way (that's his name), then it's incorrect, inefficient, or disorganized.

So i laughed.

The world does not run under Tim's rules, and there are several billion other people who have their own way of doing things that, to them, is just fine. Steve, for instance, is the one who organized the desk. He did a very good job. He did it the way Steve would want it. And why wouldn't he? We don't all walk around with a checklist titled "Tim's Way". We have our own checklist and our own methods. To each his own. And my dad complains just as much, but doesn't realize it. His just sound different.

And what was his reaction?

"Why don't you go sweep the floor!"

He was serious, mind you. This wasn't a quick anger-driven flash of idle retaliation, this was a real command. He actually wanted me to go sweep the floor. Sure it needed sweeping, but that wasn't his motivation.

So i laughed again, this time at the quality of the response. Sorry, dad, but it was kind of immature. I love you, you know that. But goodness.

I was actually proud of the way i responded. "You want me to sweep the floor 'cause you're getting pissy at my laughing?" I stood up for myself, quickly and without restraint. (Applause). That's a big step for me. Usually i'll get upset, internalize what i'm feeling and let it dissipate throughout the day rather than confronting the source. But this time i sealed the internal storage tanks and bounced it right back out.

"It's dirty, and it's better than you sitting around doing nothing," he said. I had to wait for the insert before i could do any further work on the machine. It's not like i was being lazy on purpose.

But, i couldn't argue with the "dirty" part, so i swept. I pushed that broom all over the surrounding floor and even moved things to get in, underneath, and around. I looked at it when i was done, very happy with the cleaner, dust-free look.

And i laughed the whole time. I was sweeping out of spite. Not my spite, but his. There's humor all over that. Again, i wasn't laughing at him, just at the general situation.

Normally i'd get all mad about it.

But not today.



(i love you, dad)

A Means To Sort

Pinback, "Logo". It's on a new playlist (on my most prized earthly possession, my iPod) that i've named "Elizabethtown". Why, you're right, that is a movie. It is in fact dedicated to the film. After seeing it i spent the next hour and a half acquiring the soundtrack, adding my own similar selections and creating the 106-song (and growing) playlist. It's designed to accompany and evoke the mood drawn out by the movie itself; at least the way i experienced it. I added songs from the soundtracks to "Moonlight Mile", "Garden State" and "Wonder Boys", all of which have a comparable feel. So that's where i am musically.

Now for mentally.

I've been stuck in this cave for the last week or so with nothing to occupy my mind save the television and the various entertaining media one can experience with it. Women's Curling, Elizabethtown, Grand Theft Auto. I've only gotten a decent amount out of one. GTA sucks out intelligence and requires very little other than hand-eye coordination. Women's Curling has brought me pain. They're out of metal contention due to five losses out of six games, and my crush on Cassie (while cute, innocent, and all that) has aroused the "where's my future wife at?" question, opening a lonely door.

So that leaves Elizabethtown as the winner.

It's an excellent film and if you haven't seen it already, it's certainly got my recomendation stamped on the case. Top right corner. "Adam's 'See It' Stamp". Relatively speaking, i don't put it on a lot of movies, but the ones that make it to the stamping floor are worth a view. The Fifth Element, Road To Perdition, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (not to be confused with the new one, titled "Charlie & The..."), Meet Joe Black, Keneth Branauch's Hamlet, and many others. But anyway, see Elizabethtown if you haven't already. But make sure of three things (which apply to any film i recommend, except comedies):

1. I don't know if you do this, but some of my friends do and it really annoys me. Don't fast-forward through the opening titles. Let the DVD (or VHS) start from the beginning and go at the pace the movie chooses. You can skip previews if they come up, that's fine. But once the distribution company's logo comes up (Paramount, Universal, Warner Brothers, ...), that's it. Leave it alone after that. Let it be.

2. Make sure you won't be disturbed. Shut off your cell phone, get offline, go to the bathroom, eat, whatever... Don't get up. Don't let anyone into your cinematic world until it's over. You don't want the flow to be interupted.

3. Don't watch it with anyone who will talk. If you have a friend or family-member (or even complete stranger) who you know will not make a sound (except laughter when it's appropriate), then you can go ahead and watch it with them. But if not, then watch it by yourself. I did. I'm glad.

Oh, and kind of a suggestion, but not a rule...sit through the end credits, at least for a couple minutes. Let the film sink in.

Okay, on to other things...

While i was taking a walk tonight, i passed lots of houses. It's really difficult not to. I've tried. i passed one particular red house, cozy and inviting. In the window was a small table with a lamp. Why this particular house caused the proceeding thought, i can't say. But it did.

What makes a house a home?

What is it about a particular place that makes it desirable to return to? What's inside that brings you back each day? What keeps you from picking up and going somewhere else? Is it family? Friends? Necessity? What is it?

I don't have your answers, you do.

Lately i've been feeling like i don't really have a home. I have a house that's been mine for the last year with two cats for roommates. I have a house a few towns over where i'll go when this house-sitting job is done. I have a family (nuclear, extended, and church). I have houses where my friends live and i'm welcome. But where's my home? What's missing here that i feel a desire to go find? Is it her? Is it belonging? Is it adventure? Something new? More Bob Dylan songs? What is it?

I don't know that anything i've said, or will say, will lead me to any particular conclusions on the matter. These are the emotional inquisitions my heart and mind are presently dealing with.

I feel like God is doing some rearranging of the variables in my life to prepare me for what lies ahead. Certain friends are fading out. Others remain. He's teaching me to trust Him on the whole girl issue. There are so many options with girls. Just standing somewhere like the mall, a restaurant, any highly populated area. Brunette, blonde, rehead, tall, short, thin, petite, tan, pale, eyes (blue, green, brown), trustworthy, adventurous, inquisitive, shy, outgoing, friendly, reserved, comforting, edgy, dangerous, sweet. There are hundreds more. It's overwhelming really. So i'm not going to deal with it. My wife is out there somewhere and when the time is right, God will introduce us. So until then, i'm not going to worry about it. So that's enough of that.

My head's just a big box with a question mark sharpied on the outside. I'm trying to sort through its contents. That's all. I guess that's really what all of my entries are. A means to sort in small quantities, giving what's left a little more room to spread out (until the next batch fills the space up again). But that's life.

James Brown sang it well:

That's life.
That's what the people say.
You're ridin high in April,
Shot down in May.
But i know i'm gonna change that tune
When i'm back on top of June.

Said that's life. (uh!)
Funny as it may seem, funky as it may seem.
Some people get their kicks (ah) from steppin on a dream
But i don't let it get me down.
Cause this old world keep goin around. (uh!)

But Meaningful

Thomas Newman, "Road To Perdition" soundtrack

I may end up being late to work because of this entry, but i had a dream last night that i wanted to get out on paper (or at least this close equivilent).

It began with me talking to Corey through the window of my room. Her window, just a short distance away over a small patch of yard, faced mine (ground level). So, we were talking. It was a pleasant conversation, though i don't remember what it was about. I do remember saying to her, "Corey, i'm only five feet away from you, ya know. I thought i wasn't supposed to be close to you." I was being sarcastic because there was nothing she could do about it. It's not like we could move the houses. She didn't acknowledge the comment, and we kept talking. I had wanted to go over and sit with her, or have her come to me, but talking through the window was as far as i could get (i don't remember what kept me from doing otherwise. I guess just knowing i "wasn't allowed").

I was at a library, but it was set up like a mall. Escalators, different floors with open balconies looking out onto the whole. People were moving back and forth, like they would if they were shopping, from room to room. I had wanted to watch something on TV and needed to borrow a DVD/VCR from the kids' section. As i was unhooking it from the television in the room, sorting through the wires that belonged to it and the Nintendo 64 console (including controllers), i thought, "Do i really need this? I'll really be okay without it." So i stopped what i was doing, put it down, and started walking out.

Corey was in the library too, and i had wanted to talk to her and walk out with her but she got into an elevator and let the doors close before i could get on, giving me that "I'm not going to hold this for you" look while she stood and watched me frantically attempt getting there before it was too late. I raced down the stairs to try and catch her, but by the time i made it down to the lobby, she and the few others she was riding with had gotten off and left the building already. They were within sight, but i realized there was no catching them, so i gave up.

As i was sitting at home that night watching the Olympics, i went to my window and rang a doorbell just underneath that sounded a buzzer in her room (again, right across the small patch of yard). Apparently we had buzzers to get each others' attention. Her light went on, and she got out of bed and shuffled her way to the window, opening it with a, "What? What the heck do you want at this time of night?" look on her sleepy face. "You wanna come over and watch with me?" i asked. "Um...no, i don't think i should," she said. "Oh, come on, it's just two friends watching TV together," i argued. "Fine," she said. So, she slowly walked her pajamaed self over to my house and my room and we watched some TV together.

I woke up at that point, not sure what to make of the dream. But, i think i understand a good deal of it now that i have it written out. The window represents our IM conversations, the screen keeping me from getting any closer and hindering anything beyond casual limitations on subject matter. My desire for the TV/VCR is my huge craving for media and my "Do i really need this?" is me realizing that i'm okay without it. I'm not really sure how it fits into the grand dream itself, but i guess that's what it means. Corey's escape on the elvator is how i'm feeling about the way she's changed our friendship. She's leaving and wants to do nothing to alter that. So she let the doors close before i could get on. But i ran down the stairs to catch her, so i didn't want to give up. Then i got her to come over and watch some TV with me, even after i had just woken her up. So i'm still hopeful.

I'm sure there's more to interperet, but i really need to go.

A strange dream, but meaningful. I haven't had a good dream in a while.

Happy Valentine's Day, Cassie

I've been quite engrossed in the Olympics as of late, and as a result i have left my blog to fend for itself. While yes, you could argue that i am here right now, it's only for a brief interlude during a two week break from normal life. So, don't expect too much here, or until the Winter Games have been completed in their snow and icy splendor.

It's Valentine's Day, everyone. We singles like to call it "Singles Awareness Day". I am without significant other this year, and where that would normally sink my heart to a depressive depth, i am doing quite well. Bob Costas keeps me quite distracted, for one (no i'm not gay, he's just one of my favorite parts of the American Olympic experience). And on top of that, i've come to the realization that i don't need someone to be whole. Yes, my heart was meant to romance and love, but being without someone to give those things to is not the end of the world. She'll come when God knows i'm ready and until then, i've got plenty of things to do and learn.

I've been really paying attention to the U.S. Women's Curling team, and so far they're not doing too well. They lost to Norway, 11-5, and Canada, 11-5. Yeah, i know, the same score? Right now they're playing Japan (not live, it's taped from earlier). I could easily go find the final score, but i'd rather be surprised. I would love to be there cheering them on, but i don't really have the money to go to Italy. Vancouver, though...there i can go (that's where the 2010 Winter Games will be). Joe and i will be attending them, Curling especially.

Anyway, i just wanted to wish a special someone Happy Valentine's Day; Cassie Johnson. She's the Skip of the team. I think she's really cute and she seems like a swell gal. I'd love to take the whole team out to dinner or treat them to a nice evening away from all the pressure to ease out of any existing tension (and end the evening just talking to Cassie about anything), but again...can't fly to Italy. And even if i could, meeting them and convincing them to join me for an evening meal would be quite the task, especially with objections from the coach. He doesn't look like the kind of guy you want to mess with (partly sarcastic...have you seen the guy?). Although i guess i wouldn't have to be with them. I could just give them the gift of a team night out. Well, anyways, i'm not there.

So, from here in the U.S. at my laptop on the kitchen counter, listening to the sounds of your game, Happy Valentine's Day, Cassie.

Yeah, Sorry

Thomas Newman, "Shawshank Redemption" from (you guessed it) the Shawshank Redemption soundtrack.

Chelsea's here with me. She's working on a paper for school while her laundry is drying downstairs (not air drying, that would take a really long time...it's spinning round and round in the dryer). So, i'm coming to you. I've got some clutter upstairs that i need to filter out into comprehensible words. And you get to watch.

I haven't been thinking about Corey all day, every day, but she's certainly been taking up mental space lately. I can't just let her go. There's no way i'll just watch this happen without a fight. Time to turn around and put my hand at my hip, ready to draw. Not quite so agressively, i don't want to be crazy, but i do want to put up some resistence. How? I don't know; right now all i have are words in an IM box that she can choose to read or ignore. When? I'll figure that out. Not much else to say about this right now.

I'm only half conscious at the moment. I just had two paragraphs between that last one and this one but deleted them. They were about something i'll create an entry for at some point so i won't mention the subject matter here. But i knew i wanted to give it full attention, and right now i'm only half concentrating. For instance, i presently have my eyes closed, my mouth (just fell asleep for a minute...Chelsea brought me back) is hanging open. Or was anyway.

Yeah, sorry. There's really no point to this entry, but i felt like posting and i don't want to lament over Corey any more than i already have. Although...i thought of an analogy yesterday.

The sunset happens every day, but i'm not always out there to see it. I don't make it a point to stop what i'm doing and witness the trails of color the sun leaves behind as it disappears. But once in a while i happen to be outside at the right moment. It's not always breathtaking. Sometimes it just happens with no spectacular effect. But, no matter how wonderful or average it is, life wouldn't be the same without it. If it were taken away, i would miss even the uneventful sunsets.

It's the same with Corey. I don't make it a point to go out of my way and spend time with her, but when i do, it's great. It's not always wickedly entertaining or spent doing some fantastic activity. But i don't want it taken away.

Alright, i'm seriously falling asleep. I've spent more time unconscious with my laptop here than i have actually typing this up.

Oh, in case i forget to mention later...

I'm a HUGE fan of the Olympics (particularly the winter), so i'll be spending much of the next two weeks in front of the television watching them play out. My sport this year is curling and i'll be following the women's team even though it means getting up at 3am some mornings to watch. So more tired entries are coming, i suppose.

Opening Ceremonies Friday night @ 8:00 on NBC...watch them.

Stage Two

Beck, "Beautiful Way". A selection from a playlist i created on my iPod called "Drowning". It's a grouping of music that soothes, calms, helps me regain focus when i'm drowning in emotion or thought. And if it can't do that, it at least distracts me.

Before i begin my lament over my present emotional pool, i must say that it's snowing. At least it was. I was witness to the first flakes, floating downward in a flutter of wind. It only lasted for a few minutes, a short-lived sanctuary from an otherwise moderately troubled morning. Snow fall brings me back to calm. Now it's bright and sunny out (cheery even and that just isn't doing it for me.

So...what's Adam drowning in today?

My last entry, "For Corey" is not about a real person. Corey represents my friendship with someone. I wrote it as a kind of obiutuary for its passing. I thought it would therapeutically relieve, but it didn't. So now i'm going to directly address the issue. One thing before i start. As much as i would have loved to explore romantic possibilities with Corey, i don't have a thing for her. You must understand that in order to apply what follows to a pure feeling of loss for a friend, and only a friend.


It's interesting how we meet and connect with people. For isntance, Pam and i met in Jr. High; our lockers were right next door and we used to get angry and yell at each other. Now we're good friends. Heather and i grew up in the same church, but it wasn't until our early 20's, a prayer group, and a hug preceeded by a Dr. Seuss birthday card that we became friends. It's always different, but so far my all-time favorite is Corey's. It was random and attractively unique.

I've known her for...what, six, seven years, Corey? To preface our first verbal encounter, we were at the same winter retreat with our respective church youth groups. I had, for a year or so, thought she was really cute, but i didn't have the courage to talk to her. One night all the guys in my room were talking about her "nice rack". Bothered by it, i spoke up and said, "Guys...you really should be more respectful than that."

Perhaps God rewarded me for my boldness in speaking up, or perhaps fate had it planned regardless. The next day, i was standing in the common room (where everyone would meet to socialize over games, snacks, and conversation), collecting my deck of cards that had been carelessly strewn about the room by a fan of "52 Card Pickup".

"Hey!" came a female voice from behind me. I turned around, and there was Corey, looking right at me. "Are you Adam?" she asked, making her way across the room.

A bit confused, and wondering where this could be going, i cautiously answered, "Um...yeah."

"Wanna be my friend?" came the question, from the cutest smile i had ever seen.

"Yeah," i said without hesitation, my guard now dropped.

And we had been friends ever since.

To say that we were ever intimate friends would be a topic of contraversy, but i did always consider her a good friend. There are four circles of friendship and she generally held a fluxuating position between the second and third (the first being the closest and the fourth being just this side of acquaintance). We had our share of intimate conversations, sure, but it wasn't so much the quality of our friendship that i loved; it was her.

Her character and personality, riddled with quirky and unpredictable points of interest, are...well, captivating. One innocent look, one casual smile, one even remotely penetrating question posed from that curiously intriguing head of hers, and i was rendered immobile. This is not to say that my heart would stop beating or my lungs would suddenly find themselves without the capacity for air. It was just that she could capture my attention for lenghty periods of time, which very few people can boast of. I'm quite easily distracted.

Her kooky humor could make me laugh with something as simple as a french fry. If you can't stare at a french fry for a while without laughing, you clearly take life too seriously. She could make me instantly comfortable. Being with her was like sitting on a big comfy couch in a room facing the ocean. Cool, mellow, free. And she wasn't afraid to burp (be completely herself). She'd just let that belch right out and would say, "whoops," which really meant, "I had to burp, so i did. Deal with it." There's so much more i could say, but this will get entirely too lengthy, so let's move on.

She's dating this guy, State, and they're getting quite serious. So, she has made the decision that any other male relationship that goes beyond "casual" is inappropriate. I understand why she feels that way, but i'm not sure i understand the practical implication of what she's doing. Group settings are allowed, one-on-one is not. Surface conversations are fine, intimate aren't kosher. At least this is what i've come to understand.

So i'm grieving. It seems the appropriate thing to do, not that i have control over it. There are five stages to grieving. I'm on stage two, anger, and i'm really feeling it. I've been angry since Sunday morning (our conversation about all this happened on Saturday night). I don't fully understand her decision, but i respect her enough to adhere to it. I'm really pissed.

She began the conversation online, so i stopped her. If we were going to have the kind of conversation where you're losing a friend, i wanted to see her face. I wanted to look her in the eye when she told me, so she could look into mine while my heart broke. So she could see my face as i expressed exactly how i was feeling. Words on a screen don't do that kind of conversation proper justice. Yes, Emily, i know...i broke up with you online, but that was a long time ago. Maybe this is cosmic irony.

AIM was the only medium Corey would work with, and i had to deal with it. A phone call couldn't even be placed, and apparently that applies to our friendship from now on. When i asked if phone calls once in a while would be okay, she said, "Let's stick to AIM for now and see where it goes." We've been seeing where it goes for the last six years. So what you're really telling me is "no".

Corey, what bothers me the most...the thing i am most agrivated by is that you were an in-the-moment friend. You weren't hindered by boundaries or limitations on who you could be to me. There was always room for more, or less; whatever the situation called for. And i loved that. If we needed, a detailed, intimate dialogue could take place. Or we could go for months without talking. And that was okay. But now you've backed away from that and put yourself in a specific area. This far, no further. I mean, there were boundaries before but they were so far out it didn't matter. Now they're quite defined.

You said we can't do one-on-one anymore, phone calls aren't cool, and casual conversation is all i can take part in. What i got from that is that i'm confined to surface conversations online for the rest of our friendship, what little of it is left at this point. That just plain sucks. Let's not sugar coat it and say, "Well, we'll play it by ear." No. Let's come to the understanding that i can't have you as an extra in the film. A background actor with a few unimportant lines like, "You want butter or cream cheese on that?" If that's where you'll be standing from now on, you're asking me to make a really difficult change. And what happens if you and State break up? Are you gonna walk back over here and say, "Hey, let's be friends,"? I don't think it'll work quite the same the second time.

That person you are that i described a few paragraphs ago? That person whom i so enjoy? You're taking her away from me. Why?

One thing i am happy about. You respected me, and our friendship, enough to have a conversation of this kind. I've had friends drift in and out, and i've been sad over many of them. But you're the first one to actually talk to me about it. Initially, i agreed with your decision, which made it all the more difficult for me. If i felt it was something stupid, i could've combatted it. I could've fought. But now i disagree. Now i want to fight. It's just plain ridiculous. I'm your brother in Christ, for cryin out loud. Don't you think you're being a bit unrealistic? There are plenty of situations where being with me one-on-one would be just fine. Two friends, hanging out. Inappropriate...hogwash!

Since i'm not in a position where i can speak with you right now, i'm not sure what else to do. All i have is my anger, my words, my music.

You said, "I'm sorry if this hurts."

It does, damnit.

For Corey

Thomas Newman playlist i made on my iPod with all his quieter, more pensive tracks.




Corey died today.

Complications from seasonal transition ushered her to the exit. Her departure had noticeably advanced for the final moments of her life and, thus, was anticipated. But, despite the expectation, it remains a difficult loss for those who knew her.

Her character waned and waxed at its own discression, without the slightest warning or gesture. While she generaly lived unassumingly concealed in the masses, her presence caused a more manageable view of life's otherwise complicated affairs.
She was unpredictable, quirky, and prized for her uniquely refreshing and comforting qualities. Her full potential, hidden amongst the clutter of daily life, will remain a mystery though one could argue, philosophically, that it had already been reached.

There is more that can be said of her and that i wish i could express in more articulate words, but that's all i have the present capacity for. There is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. People come and go, and so it is with Corey. She will be mourned over for a time and then perhaps a new birth will bring a period of rejoicing. I am not trying to depreciate her passing, but rather accepting it as a part of my own life.

I will miss you.

Tastes Like Chai

good GOSH i have neglected my blog for too long

Get some snacks, a drink, go to the bathroom, this is a really long one...

no music; instead, the steady electric hum of machinery, the faint hiss of high pressure air, and the crackle of steel chips against the door of the CNC (Computer Numerical Control) machine i'm working with at this particular moment.

I'm writing (actually writing, not typing...until later at least) an entry at work. Why not? I could be reading the newspaper. There's tons of it here. It gets used as packing material for various parts. I'm sure i could find one as recent as yesterday or as old as August. That's how old the jar of Miracle Whip was that i opened last night. I promptly disposed of it after finding that out. I'm certainly glad i made you aware of that. SIDENOTE: I found a newspaper from 1968 the other day :END SIDENOTE I could be reading a book. But, that's what i've been doing for the last two days. I've read from 7:00am to 4:00pm with the exception of morning coffee break (9:30am to 9:45am), lunch (12:00pm to 12:40pm), and the time it takes me to unload a part, check measurments, change them if necessary, and load in a new part. I've actually found myself drifting into a quasi conscious state towards the end of the day. Just in case anyone's confused by that, i don't go into a trance, i get sleepy. I had the option of just saying "sleepy" or "tired" to begin with but that's not as fun for me and you wouldn't have these three swell extra sentences. Aren't you lucky.

SIDENOTE: I'm machining with very precise measurments. Take one inch and divide it into ten thousand equal parts. I'm working with those. I can change the size of something with numbers that small. For isntance, the governer bearings i'm working with right now have a hole in the middle, the inner diameter of which has to be between 1.3745 and 1.3750 inches (that's the margin of error i'm allowed). Very precise. So much so, in fact, that you couldn't tell the difference by looking at a hundred of them, each a ten thousandth of an inch different from the rest. :END SIDENOTE

I could also be doodling or sketching various objects and people around the shop. I can only see three people from where i am; Rich and two "plumbers" who are fixing a heater using loud noises. Their methods don't seem to be productive, but i shall be proven wrong when they have finished and the cold air flees the newly fixed unit. And i just plain don't feel like doodling.

So, i thought i would do some writing. Rather than attempt taking in, i'll give a little out. Besides, i've got to move on from the previous post, and now seems like a super time for it. Something fresher. Something more towards the "normal" me. [When i wrote this at work, it came directly after "Think Next Time", so that's what i'm referring to]. I'll be the first one to say that there is no "normal" but i didn't know what other word to use, so deal with it. I'm sure you were fine with it to begin with anyway. MOVING ON...

Every now and then i look up at the door to the CNC machine. There's a door that slides open, but the whole machine is completely enclosed when the door is shut. There's a rectangular window (the long side vertical) on the door so i can see in if i feel the need to observe the motor functions of a programmed mind. But i can't. There's a steady spray of egg nog that streams down the window. It's not actually egg nog for those of you that were suddenly awestruck by the multifaceted winter beverage. SIDENOTE: Hood makes the best mass produced egg nog :END SIDENOTE It's actually coolant. One coffee can Blaser Swisslube (company name) "Blasocut 2000MD water miscible mineral oil based metal working fluid" to one 5 galon bucket of water. And, when stirred together, it looks like egg nog. I wonder if it tastes the same. Hold on.........nope. Tastes more like chai. Doesn't smell like either one. It has a very distinct smell to it.

At sitting temperature, it's neither pleasant nor loathsome, but when heated (like when the machine's running and the friction between tool and metal part releases large amounts of heat) the smell is a bit intrusive. But that doesn't h appen too often due to its intended purpose; to keep the tools (and parts) from heating u p. Hence the name "coolant".

Humans have a coolant system built in as well; sweat. It keeps our body temperature from getting to the point where its various parts and internal functions cease to work properly. Good thing. While we're on the subject, i have a question i'd like answered.

Where does body heat come from?

Blankets, coats, pants, socks, hats, gloves; they all help keep heat in. But...where does the heat come from in the first place? When you get cold in the winter and snuggle yourself under the covers, you eventually warm back up (hopefully). But how? you don't cycle the same heat around until it builds back up. It would dissipate into the sheets, bed, and pillow. That is the nature of heat; it goes from a place of greater to a place of lesser or none. At some point, you would run out. So, somewhere, somehow, your body must be manufacturing heat. Where? How?

Now you've got me started...

Two other things i don't understand (but am fascinated by) are magnetics and gravity. I don't understand why either does what they do. I know what they do, just not the how or the why.

Take a massive ball of dirt, rock, water, and various other items, and it's got a gravitational pull. Why? What causes it? Yes, i know, any mass has a gravitational pull, even you and me (edxcept ours is cosmically insignificant). But what causes it? What brings about this invisible force? As far as i know, science still hasn't answered that question.

Same with magnetics. I know what it does, not how or why. Why can two pieces of metal attract? And why only certain kinds of metal? And why only metal? Does anyone really know the answer? Oh, and why do they get separated into two polarities (opposites attracting and equals repelling)?

Science is jsut so fascinating and intriguing to me. Atoms are another one. Unbelievably small particles of matter (protons, neutrons, electrons) constructed of even smaller "quarks", constructed of even smaller things i don't know the name of.

Just had coffee break, Jeff brought in conoles (spelling?) for everyone.

Billions of these atoms group together to form the delicately intricate parts of a cell. Not just any cell, but specific ones. Bone cells, skin cells, muscle cells, brain cells, plant cells, and so on. These cells are actually alive. They move, change, function, even reproduce. Again, billions of lifeless atoms into one living cell.

Now, trillions upon trillions of those microscopic cells (of their various kinds and operative functions) combine to form a Sugar Maple, a Red Winged Blackbird, a human being. And these are also living themselves. It's amazing. I think about the words i want to write in conscious thought. Cells in my brain cause little chemical reactions through the nervous system telling the muscles in my arm, hand, and fingers where to move while simultaneously monitoring breathing, blinking, blood circulation, sensory input, digestion of a conole (again, spelling?), and many other unknown inner functions, all being carried out by groups of cells, small and large, comprised of various atoms that must move in space to adapt, and hold together by who knows what force. The closer you get, the more intimate you become with our ever increasingly complicated universe and the design of its Creator.

One thing that's funny to me is that there is always an equal amount of matter and energy in the universe. It can beither be created nor destroyed. Matter, generally speaking, stays put, so there's not a whole lot of movement (cosmically speaking). but energy is an inconstant, unpredictable thing. Yet, there's always the same amount of it in the universe. So, when there's a solar flare, emitting all kinds of light and heat energy, do a bunch of lights dim on the other side of the galaxy to compensate? If energy is constantly equal (in quantity, not placement) throughout the universe, does it follow that an increased amount here results in a decreased amount there? With matter, it's different. Matter's always here unless it's moved there. If i'm making a rocking chair, a tree doesn't suddenly get shorter in Norway. But energy shifts, changes, fluctuates. It's just very interesting to think about.

Well, i'm on my last part, so i'd best call it here. Maybe more musings later, or maybe not. You can just scroll down and check, but i have to wait til the end of the day to find out. time travel in a way. I think i've said that before. Ah well...

No, i didn't actually taste the coolant.