On Love, Relationships And The Conclusion Of Flies

This is REALLY long! I'm just warning you.



One of you, anonymously (seriously, leave your name!) asked if Flies (see the entry, "Flies: It's Still On My Mind") were in fact still on my mind.

Good question.

Before I answer, however, allow me to elaborate on what Flies was (and still is but to a far lesser extent). I feel it's permissable at this point since the conversation has already taken place and the issues are out in the open and pretty much resolved.

I won't go into heavy detail but here it is:

It would sometimes bother me, even hurt, when Alyssa would get physical with another guy. Now don't read that and start questioning why I'm with her. She's just a big hugger and she's also very energetic and playful. So, on occasion, when she's just playing with a friend (mind you, this is with a bunch of people around so it's not like she's hiding anything or doing something bad), I interperet it as being flirty. And it's not that I think she's flirting because I know she's not. She has well proven herself in that area and fortified a trust in her. It's that she's very innocent and I don't want him to interperet it as flirting (or anything inappropriate for that matter).

I was also thrown off one night when she used the phrase "I love you" with a male friend. That one hit pretty hard.

But why? Why did all this bother me?

After a couple weeks of praying, thinking, and obvious guidance from the Lord, I came to a few conclusions that I wanted to share with Alyssa. If not to resolve issues, at least to get them in the open so that Satan would have less use of them against me. It's always better to bring something to the light. When left in the darkness, it can fester and grow into something even worse. I always feel better after I've opened up.

And these were my thoughts:

Throughout the short span of my life, I have been developing opinions. We all do. And in this case, especially over the last year, I have decided to keep certain affections and endearments close to my heart. I'm very particular with who they're distributed to; I don't just hand them out to anyone.

Alyssa, on the other hand, is very free with love in its various forms. She is not afraid to tell you she loves you or give you a hug just about any time. And that conflicts with how I do things. While I don't want to change her, it is sometimes a struggle to see her being affectionate with other guys. I mean, she's affectionate with all of her friends, it's just hard with the guys.

And I'm not the only male who struggles with this. That at least let's me know I'm not alone.

But then, two days before the conversation, God took my thoughts in a completely different direction. I began to process thoughts in a new light.

What if she's right?

The very second I asked that question, something inside me melted. Some cold, bitter thing that I had carried around for years just up and vanished. I felt it. Not to be cliche, but a burden was lifted. And being that it was so freeing a thought, I continued with it.

What if I had been holding back a gift that belongs to everyone? Love is a gift that belongs to all of us. God's love is for all. Alyssa knows this. Her heart is so big and the love she shows is so genuine. The world is in desperate need for more people like her.

We've shut off love, or at least turned it way down. Somewhere, somehow, we became afraid to love. I'll get hurt. I'll pour all this love out and get none in return. No one cares anyway.

All lies.

Love, in its true, godly form, is perfect. It warms the heart and melts hate. It isn't biased or easily thwarted. It's the most powerful force in the world.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Jesus Christ didn't express love to just his disciples. He loved everyone equally. Alyssa follows that example to a far greater degree than I. She is not wrong in what she is seeking to do; to share the love of Christ. I so badly want to be able to do that. To love the people around me without hinderance or restraint.

But of course, as with most things, there is the other side.

"'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is constructive. No one should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Corinthians 13:23-24)

Jesus Christ, while exemplifying Christ's love, did not have the same relationship with everyone. He had earthly family, His Heavenly Father, friends, closer friends. His main group of friends, the disciples, got to see an intimate side of Jesus that no one else did. Take the last supper for instance; only the disciples. And even within the group, some were closer than others. When Jesus went to Gethsemane, all the disciples went with Him. But He asked Peter, James and John specifically to accompany Him and pray.

Did He love them all? Yes. But did they all have the same relationship with Him? No.

And so it is with love. We are to love everyone but our relationships are all different. My relationship with my brother, Ben, is different than my relationship with my friend, Topher. My relatinoship with my cousin, Chelsea, is different than my relationship with Alyssa. I love them all but in different ways.

I guess somewhere along the line, I feared that Alyssa would not make that distinction. For instance, when she said "I love you" to her friend and saw that it hurt me, she said "I love you" to me. Having not come yet to any of the previously mentioned conclusions, it offered no comfort. I wondered, instead, how special it was if she said it to everyone.

I have learned to differentiate between them now. I realize that she can and does distinguish one from another. I knew that anyway but Satan loves to play the deception card, so it would sometimes seem otherwise.

Then there's the question of what's appropriate and what's not. I don't think it's an easy answer. Relationships (friends, familly, romantic, otherwise) like much in life, are case-by-case. What applies to one may not apply to another, no matter how similar.

There are, however, boundaries that must be in place and maintained. One of these boundaries I had to learn through pain, but it was (is) an important lesson. A thank you goes out to Grace for this one. She was previously referred to as "Corey" several entries back. Through your example, hard as it was, I have grown. I have learned.

Perhaps you, like I, cringe at the word "inappropriate". But for me to be in a relationship and to hang out with another girl (woman, female, whatever) is just that. Inappropriate. It can be viewed in a way that was unintended, both by the party included and by outsiders. It may give the wrong idea or send the wrong "signal". It may hurt the person you're in a relationship with. Whatever the case, I find it inappropriate.

Unless it's an emergency, I will not spend time with a girl, just the two of us. A long time friend rolls into town and wants to catch up with me over lunch. Fine. Dinner? I don't know. Dinner just has a different feel to it. Lunch is an eat-it-anywhere, on-the-go kind of meal. Dinner is a time spent with family and those close to you as you unwind at the end of the day. At least it should be. Some late night conversation, maybe a movie (with the friend)? Absolutely not.

One of the hardest things to do is rebuild boundaries after a relationship. As friends, areas of your heart are off limits. While in the relationship, a closeness is allowed. A certain intimate bond. Post relationship, however, those boundaries MUST be put back in place.

After I broke up with Heather, I knew we could not spend time alone with each other. It aids in rebuilding, healing and all those steps you have to go through. It brings finality and closure. What once was is no more, and cannot continue. I mean, I love her (as a friend) but the boundaries must remain protected.

Pam and I have been friends since Jr. High (middle school if that's what you call it). We've been very close at points and less close at others. But we've been friends for a long time. Once my relationship with Alyssa started, I needed to set up boundaries with Pam. I told her that I would no longer spend late nights with her, watch movies alone with her or spend time one-on-one. Partly because I had a thing for her at one point (and in those relationships all of this is particularly important) but it was mostly because I wanted to avoid anything (here's the word again) inappropriate. It's also out of respect to Alyssa and our relationship.

Can I hang out with Chelsea? Sure, she's my cousin. She's family. That's different.

I don't trust certain guys in her (Alyssa's) life that I have not made mention of so as to respect their current state of anonymity. As I said, she's just an innocent girl trying to bring out the best of the world. But while trying to bring out the good, she can sometimes miss the other side. I mean, we all do. Love can melt the bad in the world. God has shown me that, often through her. Love is amazing but it can be taken advantage of. Caution must be exercised and that is why I continue to watch these things carefully.

So what is the conclusion of all this?

Well a lot of it is just thinking outwrite. But I can say that I want to love more evidently and openly those around me. I trust Alyssa but I do not trust the world (the collective of sin we have put in it). And so we learn from each other as the Lord guides us. Four years ago I wasn't ready for any of this. But God has been building my character little by little, removing the layers of flesh to reveal the true heart and soul inside. There are still many more layers to go but we're getting there.

Baby steps.

The Beer Ministry

Joe, Ben and myself were sitting around the table on Joe's back deck. We had opened a Growler of #9 that we had purchased at the Magic Hat Brewery in Burlington, Vermont.

SIDENOTE: A "Growler" is a half gallon, glass jug. The only application for it that we saw while in Vermont (which is also the only state I've ever seen it in...not that I've been to that many) was for beer. Say you're at a restaurant called "The Shed" in Stowe that brews its own phenomenal Porter. Or maybe you're at a brewery where the #9 is the best you've ever had (you can actually SMELL the Apricot) and you want to ensure having some back in Connecticut because driving to Vermont for a glass (or free sample) would take five to six hours. This is all hypothetical of course. You can purchase a Growler or two to take with you. :END SIDENOTE

We were discussing our weeks when Ben proposed an idea.

Why don't we meet (just us guys) once a week to open up to each other about what's been going on with our lives. Our troubles, our encouragements, our trials, our curiousities. And why not talk about it all over a beer? I don't know that women will ever fully understand this, but sharing a beer with your buddies is a great way to connect with one another; to be intimate as fellow warriors.

We hang out already but just to horse around and have fun being guys. But this is different. This involves more genuine and uplifting conversation. We have to really listen. It requires confidentiality, trust and love between brothers in Christ. This means growth and closeness in our friendships and as men fighting the good fight.

We instantly adopted it.

There were questions that came afterward.

Do we want to keep it just us or can anyone come?

We considered the options and decided that rather than let it get cliquey or exclusive, we would keep it open to anyone (provided they're a male). That lets us not only share the love of Christ and minister to men outside of our trio, but we are ministered to as well. We learn and grow beyond what we already know.

What about men who are against drinking entirely?

Well they don't have to. They are more than welcome to participate or abstain as they see fit. But we will not put it away because of a single objection. We believe it to be an integral part of the group in that it promotes "man-time". You are with fellow men who will love you only as men can. Feel free to be yourself, uninhibited by the pretexts and judgments of the fickle, hypocritical world. Have a beer or don't. But either way, just be you.

And this is not to say that we will always have beer, because we won't. At least we haven't. We've met once on purpose and have had a few accidental meetings as well. Meaning we were together and just started talking about concerns we have, trials (previous and ongoing), praises and the like. We prayed and talked about what we had been reading from the Bible. There have been a couple times when we haven't had beer. So like I said; it won't be all the time.

Then there was the question of what to call it. What name do we give this weekly band of ours? The first one out stuck.

The Beer Ministry.

You may look at that and think, "You can't combine those! You can't join alcohol and a ministry group! No way! What're you, out of your mind?!?" And you wouldn't be alone. There are other Christians out there who will immediately shun the idea. But that's okay. There's always resistence from somewhere. They don't have to like it.

We're not looking for approval from everyone. We're just looking for a place to be us. A place where we can comfortably share ourselves without the pretenses that sometimes exist in church groups. You can fail here. You can get angry. You can have a bad day and wonder where God was. You can be you and we'll love you for it. We'll help you through listening, encouraging and most of all, prayer. We're all warriors.

We'll fight the battle with you.


Romans 12:9-21...

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary:

"'If your enemy is hungry, feed him:
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

"In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'

"Do not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Flies: It's Still On My Mind

It's still on my mind.

This morning for two particular reasons. Last night I talked with the guys about it and went through old photos I didn't quite care for (and I'm not in them). My stomache tightened when I looked at them. To make it worse, there were doubles. While part of me wishes this weren't so, there's no denying that it is.

The second reason is that I'm ready. I've formed my opinions. I know where I stand. I've got the answers I've been waiting for and the reasons that had previously eluded me. The conversation is prepared.

But I can't.

It's the kind of conversation I want to have with no distractions. No interuptions. No time limits due to obligations or otherwise. this is the first time I can speak my heart on this particular issue (let us call it...flies), so the waiting time is twice as hard. Until I can release that mental pressure, I have to put up with these thoughts bouncing around at high speeds.

When I was ready to say "I love you" to Alyssa (because I do), I had to wait on that one too. It was also very difficult to walk around with, putting so much effort into containing it until the right time (the Lord's time). But when that bounced around, it was nice to look at.

Flies, on the other hand, are ugly. They're annoying. They're bothersome. The worst part is that flies are harmless. I mean, that's good, but I let them anger me and distract me from what's really going on. So any pain derived from their presence is self-inflicted. Their soul weapon is annoyance.

The only source of true comfort during the time it's taken me to sort through it all (it has been a difficult and trying process) is the Great Bullfrog Himself. Yep, I just used an amphibean as an analogy for God. How do you like that?

Lord, eat 'em up.

To You (My Readers)

I don't have time for an entry of my usual length or elaboration but I had a few moments and wanted to at least leave you with something.

Quite frankly, I regret that I haven't written more lately. Ideas are beginning to back up in my head where I've stored them for future blogging release. And from what I gather, you have missed my entries as well. I don't say that to boast or anything of that undesirably prideful nature but rather I am merely saying that we all seem to miss these entries. And so I will do my best to end these large and tedious pauses between one entry and the next.

Not to use a cliched excuse but I have been rather busy.

I'd like to take this opportunity...scratch that, I am taking this opportunity to thank you all for your continued viewership. There are those of you I know read and there are those of you that I guess read. Do let me know you stopped by. Leave a comment, write me an email and let me know, use smoke signals, send a carrier pigeon, whatever. And I have a small favor to ask. If you do leave a comment, don't leave it as anonymous. Use your name, or at least put your name at the end of the comment. I'd just like to know my audience a little more.

That's all.

And how about those autumn leaves? They're finally starting to glow here in New England (at least in Connecticut, I can't speak for those places I am not present). For those of you who live outside of New England, I regret to inform you that regardless of whether your trees change, you are really missing out.

Alright, carry on.