Temporarily

John Mayer, "Wheel"

People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say 'Move along'
Their minds say 'Gotcha, heart,'
'Let's move it along'

I am really tired and was hoping that tonight would be a good night to go to bed early since i had nothing speicific planned. But, Rachael called and asked if i wanted to hang out with her, her husband John, and a couple of their friends. Seeing as she's never in town, i thought, "Yeah, i'd best take advantage." So i did. And now i won't get a good night's rest.

But you know what? Some things are worth being tired all day. There are times when i go to bed far too late and crawl under the covers thinking, "Well that was stupid." But there are also times when i could fall asleep at 3am and it would be entirely acceptible. You know those late night conversations with friends? The ones that come from the heart, are driven by the depths of who you both are, and end with a remarkably comfortable sense of accomplishment? Those are entirely worth giving up sleep. Or seeing a friend you haven't seen for a few years even if just for an hour or two. Or typing out an entry because you haven't put a literary piece of yourself in the public blogging domain for over a week. All worth it.

The above lyrics to John Mayer's song, "Wheel," struck me today. I realized, while listening to the song, that they applied to my breakup with Heather. I felt that my freedom to fly had been compromised, that i was slowly being chiseled down to a shell of who i really am. I won't get into the "You should always be yourself" stuff since my last entry was just about entirely on that subject. But, that aside, the lyrics really hit my heart.

The song goes on to say that this girl, whom he has broken up with, is not the last he'll ever love. And he's not the last to ever love her. They will both move on, have their hearts broken again, break others' hearts, and fall in love with others. That's the way this wheel keeps working out. And he's right.

It's all just temporary. I remember all the crushes i had in high school. I could list them, but you wouldn't know half of the names on it, so it wouldn't matter anyways. Perhaps another time. But they all went away, were replaced by others, were crushed on by others. A select few still have a special place in the confines of my heart, but most dissipated into the atmosphere. The emotions, not the acutal girls. Heather and i got together, had a growth filled three years, and broke up.

Friends come and go. My spacebar just started jamming and it's annoying my guts out. A select few remain close, and you should hold on to them, but most of the friends in your life will move in and out. Dorothy was right when she said, "People come and go so quickly here." She was talking about Munchkin Land, but we'll apply it to life at the moment. It's all temporary. Even a marriage lasting 50 years isn't forever. Eventually the husband or wife will die. Even before such a final event, other changes are constantly being made. A marriage is never the same two days in a row. Neither is anything else.

You might wonder where i'm going with this, but in all honesty, i'm not trying to make a point. I'm just typing out my reactions to some song lyrics that had a particular impact today. That's all.

Seeing Rachael was nice. I've missed her voice. We spent many a summer together, and there's a story to be told, but i'll go into it another time. I'm going to bed.....temporarily.

Right now i'm single, my spacebar jams up, and i've got no crushes (which i find incredibly agreeable). But one will come along when i'm unprepared. Although when are we?

That's the way this wheel keeps working out.

SIDENOTE: Do you know why we have a spaces? So that words are separated. Becauseifitypedoutasentencelikethisitwouldbereallyobnoxioustoread. You wouldn't be able to tell one thing from another just by looking at it. Sometimes God hits the spacebar. He transitions us from one thing to another. But without that space, we'd have no idea. :END SIDENOTE

The Tag

Alan Silvestri, theme to "The Abyss". I don't start listening to it until after the second line though. The first two (from "I don't..." to "...have thought?") i put up last night while watching 13 Going On 30, then i added the rest this morning.

I don't know if it's the spirit of the moment, i need a good pick-me-up, or that i have a crush on Jennifer Garner, but i just realized that i really like this movie.

Who'd have thought?

It's not the concept of the film, which is fine, but it's more the interaction between Jennifer Garner's character and Mark Ruffalo's

Actually, while we're partially on the subject of Jennifer Garner, i had a dream about her the other night.

I was sitting with my laptop (in the dream) and i had her AIM screen name. I think it was actually "Jennifer Garner". We were talking for a bit, about what i don't recall, and i got the feeling that i was annoying her.

You know how people say that dreams are just a string of events from your personal experiences translated into obscure, unconscious thought? I find that often to be true. I don't actually have Jennifer's screen name, but i do sometimes have this fear (rational or not) that i'm annoying people online. Jaime for instance. I IM her ALL THE TIME. And i begin to wonder if she really does enjoy talking to me, or if i'm annoying her guts out (a phrase i've become fond of over the past few days...the guts out part). I'll sign on, see that she's on as well, and i'll assertively say to myself, "Adam, maybe you should leave her alone for a change." Apparently i'm good at ignoring myself, because a large portion of the time i IM her anyway. And then the fear sets in. "Am i annoying her?" Mind you, this doesn't just happen with Jaime, it happens with Grace sometimes too, and Pam, and i'm sure a handful of others. It almost always happens with girls that i have even just a little bit of a thing for. I start to wonder if who i am is getting on their nerves and doing that gets on my own. That's when i get annoying.

That leads me to another tangent. Ever since i broke up with Heather, i've tried to stay emotionally stable with the female side of the species. I used to have this thing, and partially still do, where a cute girl would cause me to suddenly pull back any bizarre parts of my character (which there are many) on display. If i were in a grocery store with Joe and we were joking around and acting crazy, like we often do, and a cute girl that i knew, or not, was in an aisle, i would stop. And i began to wonder why. Why would i become extremely conscious of what parts of me were visible. Why does it make a difference? If a girl, or anyone, is going to accept me, they're going to have to accept all of me. There's no picking and choosing. "Well, i like that he can make me laugh, but i don't like that he procrastinates so i'm not going to accept that part." Doesn't work that way.

We all have a tag that says, "As is", on which is a list of our faults and shortcomings. Sometimes an item is added, and sometimes one is removed. But there's always a tag. Girls sometimes have this false hope that they can change a guy. If you do, give it up. You can't. If he does change, as i did while i was dating Heather, it's not because of anything she intentionally did. It's because he chose to. That goes for the reverse as well. If she changes, it's because of a choice she had made, not because of any direct doing on his part. Only you can affect your tag. Anyways, i got sick of trying to cover up my own tag for a girl. I've decided to proudly wear my faults on the exterior, for without them i would be like everyone else. That, and who out there is without them? I think we all need to be much more honest with ourselves and stop covering up who we really are.

It's kind of like my car. I drive a silver Honda Civic so when it's in a parking lot it blends in to every other silver sedan out there, and we certainly don't have a shortage of those. So what makes my car stand out is the dent in the trunk and the crack in the windshield. I thought about fixing the dent (the windshield i have to), but I've grown quite fond of it. There are other defining features about it as well, but they're all internal. Same with me. On the outside (both physically and with personality), i have my unique attributes. But all the really good ones that you can't see just by looking, are inside. That can be applied to anyone. You have to get closer; you have to look deeper.

This leads me, quite unintentionally smoothly, back to the rest of my dream. I was walking to work on a pleasant street with trees on the sidewalk and little shops all over, when i realized that Jennifer was walking behind me with a couple of her friends. I walked into a store, which they happened to follow me into. Jennifer and one of her friends were talking about the other, a blonde girl, and how they needed to get makeup for her for some party or something. That's when i joined in. I began talking to them about how i feel girls shouldn't wear makeup because it just covers up their real face. I mean, makeup can be attractive sometimes, but overall i don't like it. So we got into an argument. Not a heated, strong words exchanged argument, but a decent (almost like high school friends) argument. I continued with my opinion about girls being taught by the media, and other influences that they have to change who they are because they're not good enough, and they continued with theirs about makeup being fine. That was the dream. A short IM conversation with Jennifer Garner, followed by a discussion about makeup in a store with her and two of her friends. It was odd, but interesing.

I find it funny that females are generally the ones pushing the whole "change yourself because you're not good enough" thing on other females. Guys, in general, don't care. Makeup or no makeup, designer clothes or pajamas, it's all the same to us. There are outfits that have more appeal than others, certainly, but overall it really doesn't matter. Well, at least with me. One of my favorites actually is pajamas. There is this one outfit that drives me crazy (in a good way). Khaki pants with a white shirt. Simple, clean, and sexy. Joe and i call it "the outfit". But, while i highly enjoy it (especially accompanied by Love Spell, my absolute favorite "perfume"), she's still the same girl without it; that outfit doesn't change the tag.

What i'm trying to get at here, in a somewhat indirect way, is that i try really hard now not to hide who i am. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of conscious thought and effort to do it, but it's become a goal of mine. Don't back away, don't hide yourself, don't worry. Be you. And if they don't like it, it's their problem, and you're better off without them.

Don't hide your tag.

That's What I Want

John Mayer, "Quiet"

I gave Elyse some advice the other night on a guy situation. She's dating one guy, but loves another. It's a complicated story and she can tell you all about it if she so chooses. I've been thinking about some of the things i said.

I told her to play out that classic movie scene. It's come to the point where the love she feels for him is going to drive her crazy if she doesn't do something with it. So she packs up all the emotion she's been walking around with into a box, puts it in the back seat, and drives for a few hours to him. It's pouring rain when she gets to the door. He opens it up to see her soaking wet, but the look in her eyes tells him she's got bigger things to deal with. He invites her in out of the rain, but she refuses knowing it will only distract her from what she needs to do.

So there she is with her box, water dripping from her face, her eyes heavy with emotion. She begins to unload it, one item at a time. It's very important that she doesn't just dump the contents out, but goes slowly and completely through. She takes it slow, but makes sure that everything is out of the box. Then she leaves. Or, he grabs her and kisses her, or confesses his same feelings for her.

That's what i want. To be so in love and come to that conclusion so undeniably that i will drive to the ends of the continent to tell her. SIDENOTE: If she were in Boston, Manhattan, Burlington even, that would be far more convenient. But it's not about convenience, is it? :END SIDENOTE. And, at the same time, to be so in love that i do not require, or expect, a response. To stand outside the door in the pouring rain, opening my heart to a deeply vulnerable state not to take in, but to give out. To have so much love for one person that i can't contain it within the confines of my own soul. These are the things i want to be feeling out in that rain.

I'm sure i could elaborate more on this, but i've already nearly fallen asleep several times.

She's out there somewhere, right now. Maybe i know her, maybe i don't. It could even be you (with the exception of males & blood relatives).

Murder

Apparently there was a murder in Woodstock, CT, one of the most rural towns you can be in. It shocked the inhabitants of the town itself. My cousin Chelsea (who happens to be one of those inhabitants) wrote up an entry about it. (chelseaann.blogspot.com). That was the inspiration for the comment that i left her which i would like to share with you.

I agree with all of what you have said. You even stunned me at points with truths i had forgotten. Well, perhaps not forgotten, but at least set aside. What hit me the most is your referring to homicide as final. There is no changing it. What's done is done, and cannot be reversed or undone.

I also got a bit worried about your return home to that very same town.

I grieve not only for the loss of a human life, but for (s)he who carelessly ended it. That's what gets to me the most. Death is part of life; it should be not only accepted, but embraced. Things begin. Things end. But to make a conscious decision to destroy another human's life is foreign to me. To have someone in your presence and suddenly (or as heinous and unspeakable as it may be, slowly) remove their soul from this plain of existence, i cannot understand.

To comment on something else. While i agree that many have become blinded to pain, i also feel that there are many who have not. I would like to think that i have not become oblivious to the hurting masses around me. But at the same time there is so much pain that it cannot all be acknowledged or felt. To constantly be aware of, and to feel, the pain of our world would be beyond overwhelming. Sometimes we cannot bear another moment of it and must let it go. But that doesn't make our hearts caliced. Rather, to be conscious of so much makes them stronger.

Do not lose hope.

As Lemony Snicket (at least the narration in the film) said, "At times the world can be a dark and sinister place. But I can assure you there is much more good in it than bad."

Hovering PO

Thomas Newman, soundtrack to "Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events", which is much too long of a title to say or type.

I had fun tonight with Joe and Ross, and while what follows is no amazing tale worthy of a book, it was enjoyable and memorable and i'd like to share it.

We were going to visit Sam, but he was sick, so instead we dropped off a new TV (new to him), then headed to the Buckland Hills cinema for Harry Potter in iMax. We bought the tickets, then headed to a Wendy's just down the street to tap into the dollar menu. We ordered a total of 6 jr. bacon cheeseburgers, 2 small frosties, 2 medium fries, and one 6-pc. chicken nuggets. What we got, after we had already paid, was 9 jr. bacon cheeseburgers, 2 small frosties, 3 medium fries, and 2 6-pc. chicken nuggets. In short, we got an extra nugget order, and 3 extra burgers. We weren't going to complain.

I asked for extra bags which we used to individually wrap most of the items for temporary storage in our coats to smuggle them into the theatre. We got past the main entrance, with very curious looking bulges in our coats, and proceeded into the "iMax" to take our seats. I put "iMax" in quotes, because i don't think it's worthy of the title. I would just call it "big". The screen was huge, but no larger than most of the bigger theatres. There were two rear speakers that were ginormous, but they looked like they had just been stuck there so they could put the title "iMax" on the outside. It wasn't very convincing.

Anyways, we get in, unload our evening meal from our outer vestments (spelling?), and begin to partake. The projector operator (herein known as PO) watches us from behind the glass separating the projector room from the theatre, and then reports us. The reason he saw us so well is because our seats were right in front of the projector. So this guy comes in (mind you, there are only 5 other people seeing this film) and tells us we can't eat "outside food" in here. "Okay," we reply, cleverly deciding that if we stop eating it, we're obeying the rules. So we return the food to the white Wendy's bags, and set them down. Our frostys are probably a little melty at this point.

Then another guy comes in 3 minutes later and says, "You can't have outside food in here. The PO's been watching you this whole time, and he's waited ten minutes to start the film because of it." When he says this, we're at 8:05, the start time for the film. Maybe the clock in the projector room is ten minutes fast. He thought he was holding everyone up just because of our foolish decision, when in actuality, he had caused no delay whatsoever.

So, in the end, we decided that i would bring everything out to the car, with the exception of the medium fry and two burgers that had already been consumed. After the movie, we ended up eating a couple burgers cold, and the frostys were good (they keep well in 28 degree weather). We were quite upset, and are now boycotting that cinema because of it. Ah well.

Moral of the story: Don't unload the food and start eating until the movie has started. The PO won't hover over your seats to see what you're eating at that point.

By Candlelight

Boston Pops, "A Boston Pops Christmas" (the album). It's a very Christmas, very upbeat, very enjoyable CD (or cassette, LP, whatever medium you can find it on). At this particular moment the song is "The Little Toy Trumpet".

Again, i find myself in a writing mood with no specific direction to head in. I stand in a field full of creative seeds, each one waiting to be developed into a full grown idea, meandering thought, musing, or what have you. I could walk twenty-eight paces to a new spot, or i could choose one right where i stand. Or, a sniper could take me out from far off in the trees and i could pick a seed wherever i respawn.

Found one.

In our house, much like any, there are plenty of lights that come with at least two options. On, or off. Some have fancier options like how bright they are, while some have multiple parts that can be turned on or off rather than just one bulb. My mom, for isntance, has this Thomas Kinkade lamp. Under it (actually, part of the stand) is a house that you might find in one of Kinkade's paintings. You can illuminate just the house, just the lamp, or both. There are a great variety of lighting options, and they're certainly not decreasing any time soon. Why, in the room i'm sitting in right now there are four lamps. Two on a table, two their own stand. Two have the traditional on/off option, two have three levels of brightness adjustments. One of them is on a timer. See? Already, in one room, there are thirteen different settings for only four lamps.

Ben, my brother, likes to leave lights on at night. If he's in a room, the light goes on. If he leaves the room, the light stays on. It works as an obscure way to keep track of what rooms he's been in. I can't tell in what order he's visitted them, only that he was there. I'm sure it has nothing to do with a fear of the dark or an irrational fear of light switches, but rather a forgetful or otherwise distracted mind. Not to say that i have a lack of understanding for such a thing, for i have one myself. But, i'm quite the opposite in the lighting respect. When i vacate a room, i cut the power to the light source. It's not that i sit in a house completely void of anything but dark, it's that i just feel no need in leaving a room illuminated without a human presence. Why spend money on something you're not using?

One of these nights, i'm not going to use lights at all. I'll light a whole bunch of candles around the house and go about my nightly activities by the soul power of natural light. It would be a bad idea to rely on their heat during the winter, so that luxury i will leave to run as it normally does. I'll just sit down to read a book by candlelight, or cuddle in with someone (again with the cuddling), or whatever. It won't really matter. A candle's light works wonders on its own.

The only other light that is as magical for me, is the moonlight. As Tom Waits articulately put it, "the moon does funny things inside a man". One of those little things in life i so love is the mystical blue glow that snow reflects from a full moon. Simply beautiful.

Perhaps i'll develop further on that at a later time. Right now Chelsea and i are going to make sweet 'n sour chicken. Mmmm. Maybe i'll post some here for you to try.

Do something by candlelight this week.

The Still, Small Sound

no music.

I had nothing specific to write about, and no music to inspire me, so i went outside to get my iPod from my car. It was there that i found my musing.

Moments in life come and go. There are significant, character changing events that happen, most often unexpectedly. You'll be sitting in Starbucks drinking a tall Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream on the top (and a dash of the chocolate sprinkle stuff that's curiously contained in a salt shaker) and WHAM, there's one. They come up out of nowhere. But those aren't the moments that are on my mind. I'm thinking of the small ones. The seemingly insignificant ones. They pass quickly and sometimes without notice, but when we're fortunate enough to feel them, it's a wonderful thing.

I had just closed my car door, after retrieving the iPod, and was halfway back to the front door when it hit me. There are certain sounds that push away anything i'm thinking about and bring me to a pause. They're not agressive about it, mind you, but gentle and comforting. I've never been able to figure out why, or when it started. A train's whistle, for instance, or the sound of a single bell chime (especially small ones). The particular sound that drifted on the evening breeze tonight was a windchime. It came from a house just down the street.

The chime, working its magic and giving my soul pause for a moment, brought to my attention the peace of the evening. There were no cars busily motoring their way past (which is a big deal, because it's a well used road), and most people are inside sleeping or performing some other quiet activity. That puts the human interference factor down to a very low minimum. Summer's bugs are gone (thank goodness), so there's no chirping or any other unidentifiable noise coming from an equally unidentifiable insect in that tree over there.

No, there is nothing to interfere with peace. Winter brings with it something that no other season can duplicate, including autumn (which you should all know is my favorite time of year). Stillness. I wouldn't go so far as to say serenenity, but winter evenings are very still. While some begin to miss the busy summer nights, i enjoy this restful time of year. I can either be outside and be part of the quiet, or i can be inside warming up with those i love. It's a win-win for me. It's that stillness that i can not only hear, but feel. It's like i'm a part of it. I don't want to sound weird, but...i don't just perceive it, i experience it. That's what i found outside.

The still, small sound of windchimes on a winter's eve. I was there.

Common Cold Survivor

A quick musing before i roll my body onto the mattress, the preferred medium for sleep.

I don't know who started the whole magnetic ribbon trend, but they must be making mounds of money. Heeps even. The variety of awareness you can place on the rear of your automobile is outstanding. From breast cancer to Iraq related ribbons to trivial little things that three Americans know about. The bigger the ribbon, the more aware its viewer will be. Then there are those bracelets that Lance Armstrong started; the "Live Strong" ones. Those have certainly taken off. Some of the kids at the daycare came in every day with three or four bracelets for different things. The sheer quantity of their distribution is close to the American flag bandwagon that everyone jumped on after 9/11. You couldn't drive down the street without seeing at least one car patriotically waving a flag on the antenna. I went a different route during the fad, however. I proudly raised a pirate flag. My car, when its colors were being flown, was nicknamed "The Jolly Roger". Anyone know where that came from? You've got two paragraphs to figure it out.

Tangents, always tangents. Back to the subject at hand. I would like to produce my own line of survivor ribbons and bracelets for the common cold. They would be a puke greenish/yellow color, resembling that of snot. I'm sure many an average citizen would be proud to display such an accomplishment. "Common Cold Survivor" they would say. Why wouldn't you be proud of that?

If you've had a scratchy throat, headache, stuffy and/or runny nose, sinus pressure, achiness, and you've survived the ordeal, you need a magnetic ribbon so everyone will know.

The Jolly Roger is the name of Captain Hook's ship.

The Frog On The Left

As it happened, two frogs were sitting on their lillypads in a small pond.

The one on the left turned and asked the other, "Do you suppose this is what our life will always be like?"

The one on the right thought for a moment and replied, "Ribbit."

The frog on the left suddenly came to the revelation that he had phrased a question in English and opened his mouth to exclaim his wonder, but all that came out was, "Ribbit."

Whatever had caused such a questionably odd event had passed, but the frog on the left would remember it for days afterward, wondering if it would ever happen again.

Every now and then, when no animals were around, he would attempt to speak English once again, but to no avail.

Summer passed and the frog fell asleep to hybernate through the cold winter weather. When he awoke the following spring, he had forgotten about the whole thing.

The End.

Moral of the story:

Frogs are odd.

Cuddling For Instance

Has it really been a week since my last post? Because that's ridiculous.

Thomas Newman, "Meet Joe Black" soundtrack (minus the big bandish music)...just the original compositions by Newman. Later it will change to the "Road To Perdition" soundtrack, but i don't know that until the third paragraph. You do.

When i got home from work today...actually, i should update you. I'm working at Jensen Machine now. It's a small, privately owned machine shop that's been running and in the Jensen family for many years now. My father is the foreman there, which is mostly how i got the job. I'm not machining anything yet, but i do hope to be, and seeing the great multitude of orders lying around the shop gives me hope that i soon will be. They mostly manufacture bearings (spelling?), but they do the occasional special request as well. If you were to stand anywhere in the building and look around you, your eyes would be met with bearings on carts, tables, palettes and boxes. I had the challenging job of rearranging all the free-floating items so the fork lift could be driven from one end of the shop to the other for the moving of a few machines with a combined weight of about two thousand pounds. Men doing what men do best; moving things with machines both simple and complex.

I'm in an odd mood. I want a girl. That could be taken as perverse and maybe even pedophilic. Let me change it. I want a chick's company. I'm just in one of those moods where i feel a deep desire for the touch of a female; a hug, a kiss, a rub, nothing particular. God wants me to find Him, but instead i'm trying to distract myself with temporary things. Cuddling for instance. Cuddling is one of my favorite physical things to do, and i don't get it that often. Pam and i cuddled a lot when i went to her house the other night. I had one of the nicest nights i've had in a long time. We went to Starbucks, Blockbuster to rent Magnolia, then we cuddled the rest of the night and talked about things past. Eventually, when things quietted down, we spooned (LOVE it!) and i fell asleep. I shot up off the couch at 4 a.m. when she woke me up wondering if she should just let me sleep. I'm totally getting off on a tangent. Where was i? Oh yeah, cuddling.

Cuddling is a comfort activity for me, and not just on a physical level. My mind goes blank (which is a really nice feeling for us over thinkers), my soul quiets down, and my heart beat slows to a gentle pulse. Suddenly the world is manageable and the troubles that reside within it vanish. There is only her and me. And that's how it works for me. It takes all the excess grime away and leaves me with the clean peace i so love. I also like falling asleep with someone, but since i'm not conscious to actually enjoy the moment, cuddling ranks higher.

I guess that's how i feel right now. I just need some kind of distraction. Either that or i'm really tired and should get some sleep before engaging in any further forms of living. Unless my batteries are fully charged, i just don't function well. Rather than use reserve power, i think i'll go recharge as much as possible before the morning finds its way to my window. It will have a tough time getting past the shades, but it will eventually find its persistent way in. So crafty.