A Month of Cleansing #2 (In The Waiting Line)
Zero Seven, "In The Waiting Line"
I'm not sure what this song really means, but she's constantly singing, "Wasting my time in the waiting line," and i feel like that's what i'm doing. I wake up and go through the same work-week motions that i've been going through for the last 4 1/2 years. I'm pretty freekin' sick and tired of it, to be honest. I lack the motivation and passion that i really want to have for life and the things around me. I work at the Stork Club because it's comfortable. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids, but...i need to get the hell out of there.
I'm not taking classes, and i feel incredibly stupid. I haven't learned a single new thing (aside from the revelations i've been having about my own self) for quite some time. I see the world moving around me, but i can't seem to mobilize my own self. Here i stand in the waiting line, just watching the numbers increase slowly until mine comes. But is that really what i should be doing? While i'm going through this temporary existence, should i just sit around comfortably waiting it out? Absolutely not. Life isn't comfortable, so for mine to be right now denotes something amiss.
I want to go out and do something crazy, maybe something that noone has ever done before. As unlikely as the latter half of that thought is, i still want to go out and do something crazy. Put myself on the slimmest, most structurally unsound limb i can find. I'm not saying i'll do a tight-rope act atop some skyscraper or anything like that, but i'm getting pretty damn bored here. And it's not like this is what God wants either. I'm sure His plan for me doesn't read, "sitting comfortably while waiting through life." His plan calls for action. ACTION! Again, not something stupid, just action. Words can mean a lot, but they don't amount to anything without action. I can sit here and say, "I want to finish up school," but until i actually do, they're just empty letters stuck together to form empty thoughts.
On another note...
Jaime and i are supposed to go apple picking this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly because it's apple season, and as we all know (or should), autumn is the GREATEST time of year. I'm going out to get her at UConn from which we'll go to a winery where i'm getting a bottle of this Chocolate Essence wine. I hope to go to Lyman Orchards but since going there will mean travelling half the state, we might end up going somewhere else. I'm not sure.
Anyways, i haven't hung out with Jaime in a long time, and since i'm trying to get myself to stop seeing girls as my source of identity and masculinity, i thought it might be good to just do something fun with her. So, apple picking it is. My past Jaime situation is kind of funny. She's on the list of crushes (yes, i have a list).
Wow, nostalgia sets in fast. Her name ended up on there the night of the Super Bowl. Not the football one, the church one where we see a hockey game, hear a Biblical message, watch and interact with "let's make a deal" on the ice, go rollerblading, and go bowling, all from 6pm to 6am the following morning. Anyways, we were bowling, the second to last stop of the evening, and i was walking by the lanes to go somewhere, i don't remember where, and i happened to look over at her. I knew who she was previous to this event, but there was something different about the way she looked tonight. As soon as i saw her, everything around me slowed down. For a short moment everything was happening in slow motion. Of course, reality set in, objects returned to moving at regular speed, and i moved on with the evening, but that moment was key in the development of the crush. It was the beginning.
Of course, that's all in the past now, but as with everything else that's happened in my life's time passed so far, it certainly impacted who i was, and who i am. On to other things...
On the way home from the Big E the other night i called Emily to see if she wanted to hang out, maybe go for a walk or something. She was busy, but left me a message after i left her one just saying that it was good to hear from me and that she'd love to hang out some time. I had to calm myself down after i left her mine (message) and remind myself that she was not the answer to the lonely spot in my life. God is the only one who can fill that spot, and my wanting to get together with Emily was strictly just to hang out with an old friend. It took a few deep breaths and some outloud reasoning, but i finally got myself in the right spot.
I've had to teach myself to do that...to calm down in a situation where i might get hyped up about something, and to either think clearly, or not think at all (which can sometimes be better). "Adam," i say out lout, "You need to chill out. Just breathe for a second, let the initial excitement pass, then find out what you really want here." It's difficult and can sometimes take longer than i'd like it, but overall it's working very well.
Stop overthinking, Adam. Just sit down, breathe, relax, let life flow as it will, concentrate on who you really are, then get back up when you're ready. It's constant battle with myself.
I'm not sure what this song really means, but she's constantly singing, "Wasting my time in the waiting line," and i feel like that's what i'm doing. I wake up and go through the same work-week motions that i've been going through for the last 4 1/2 years. I'm pretty freekin' sick and tired of it, to be honest. I lack the motivation and passion that i really want to have for life and the things around me. I work at the Stork Club because it's comfortable. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids, but...i need to get the hell out of there.
I'm not taking classes, and i feel incredibly stupid. I haven't learned a single new thing (aside from the revelations i've been having about my own self) for quite some time. I see the world moving around me, but i can't seem to mobilize my own self. Here i stand in the waiting line, just watching the numbers increase slowly until mine comes. But is that really what i should be doing? While i'm going through this temporary existence, should i just sit around comfortably waiting it out? Absolutely not. Life isn't comfortable, so for mine to be right now denotes something amiss.
I want to go out and do something crazy, maybe something that noone has ever done before. As unlikely as the latter half of that thought is, i still want to go out and do something crazy. Put myself on the slimmest, most structurally unsound limb i can find. I'm not saying i'll do a tight-rope act atop some skyscraper or anything like that, but i'm getting pretty damn bored here. And it's not like this is what God wants either. I'm sure His plan for me doesn't read, "sitting comfortably while waiting through life." His plan calls for action. ACTION! Again, not something stupid, just action. Words can mean a lot, but they don't amount to anything without action. I can sit here and say, "I want to finish up school," but until i actually do, they're just empty letters stuck together to form empty thoughts.
On another note...
Jaime and i are supposed to go apple picking this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly because it's apple season, and as we all know (or should), autumn is the GREATEST time of year. I'm going out to get her at UConn from which we'll go to a winery where i'm getting a bottle of this Chocolate Essence wine. I hope to go to Lyman Orchards but since going there will mean travelling half the state, we might end up going somewhere else. I'm not sure.
Anyways, i haven't hung out with Jaime in a long time, and since i'm trying to get myself to stop seeing girls as my source of identity and masculinity, i thought it might be good to just do something fun with her. So, apple picking it is. My past Jaime situation is kind of funny. She's on the list of crushes (yes, i have a list).
Wow, nostalgia sets in fast. Her name ended up on there the night of the Super Bowl. Not the football one, the church one where we see a hockey game, hear a Biblical message, watch and interact with "let's make a deal" on the ice, go rollerblading, and go bowling, all from 6pm to 6am the following morning. Anyways, we were bowling, the second to last stop of the evening, and i was walking by the lanes to go somewhere, i don't remember where, and i happened to look over at her. I knew who she was previous to this event, but there was something different about the way she looked tonight. As soon as i saw her, everything around me slowed down. For a short moment everything was happening in slow motion. Of course, reality set in, objects returned to moving at regular speed, and i moved on with the evening, but that moment was key in the development of the crush. It was the beginning.
Of course, that's all in the past now, but as with everything else that's happened in my life's time passed so far, it certainly impacted who i was, and who i am. On to other things...
On the way home from the Big E the other night i called Emily to see if she wanted to hang out, maybe go for a walk or something. She was busy, but left me a message after i left her one just saying that it was good to hear from me and that she'd love to hang out some time. I had to calm myself down after i left her mine (message) and remind myself that she was not the answer to the lonely spot in my life. God is the only one who can fill that spot, and my wanting to get together with Emily was strictly just to hang out with an old friend. It took a few deep breaths and some outloud reasoning, but i finally got myself in the right spot.
I've had to teach myself to do that...to calm down in a situation where i might get hyped up about something, and to either think clearly, or not think at all (which can sometimes be better). "Adam," i say out lout, "You need to chill out. Just breathe for a second, let the initial excitement pass, then find out what you really want here." It's difficult and can sometimes take longer than i'd like it, but overall it's working very well.
Stop overthinking, Adam. Just sit down, breathe, relax, let life flow as it will, concentrate on who you really are, then get back up when you're ready. It's constant battle with myself.
posted by Still Daddy at 9:09 PM
1 Comments:
This seems like a nice compare and contrast entry, too. I'm really glad you're taking action to go back to school. I love you.
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