Stage Two
Beck, "Beautiful Way". A selection from a playlist i created on my iPod called "Drowning". It's a grouping of music that soothes, calms, helps me regain focus when i'm drowning in emotion or thought. And if it can't do that, it at least distracts me.
Before i begin my lament over my present emotional pool, i must say that it's snowing. At least it was. I was witness to the first flakes, floating downward in a flutter of wind. It only lasted for a few minutes, a short-lived sanctuary from an otherwise moderately troubled morning. Snow fall brings me back to calm. Now it's bright and sunny out (cheery even and that just isn't doing it for me.
So...what's Adam drowning in today?
My last entry, "For Corey" is not about a real person. Corey represents my friendship with someone. I wrote it as a kind of obiutuary for its passing. I thought it would therapeutically relieve, but it didn't. So now i'm going to directly address the issue. One thing before i start. As much as i would have loved to explore romantic possibilities with Corey, i don't have a thing for her. You must understand that in order to apply what follows to a pure feeling of loss for a friend, and only a friend.
It's interesting how we meet and connect with people. For isntance, Pam and i met in Jr. High; our lockers were right next door and we used to get angry and yell at each other. Now we're good friends. Heather and i grew up in the same church, but it wasn't until our early 20's, a prayer group, and a hug preceeded by a Dr. Seuss birthday card that we became friends. It's always different, but so far my all-time favorite is Corey's. It was random and attractively unique.
I've known her for...what, six, seven years, Corey? To preface our first verbal encounter, we were at the same winter retreat with our respective church youth groups. I had, for a year or so, thought she was really cute, but i didn't have the courage to talk to her. One night all the guys in my room were talking about her "nice rack". Bothered by it, i spoke up and said, "Guys...you really should be more respectful than that."
Perhaps God rewarded me for my boldness in speaking up, or perhaps fate had it planned regardless. The next day, i was standing in the common room (where everyone would meet to socialize over games, snacks, and conversation), collecting my deck of cards that had been carelessly strewn about the room by a fan of "52 Card Pickup".
"Hey!" came a female voice from behind me. I turned around, and there was Corey, looking right at me. "Are you Adam?" she asked, making her way across the room.
A bit confused, and wondering where this could be going, i cautiously answered, "Um...yeah."
"Wanna be my friend?" came the question, from the cutest smile i had ever seen.
"Yeah," i said without hesitation, my guard now dropped.
And we had been friends ever since.
To say that we were ever intimate friends would be a topic of contraversy, but i did always consider her a good friend. There are four circles of friendship and she generally held a fluxuating position between the second and third (the first being the closest and the fourth being just this side of acquaintance). We had our share of intimate conversations, sure, but it wasn't so much the quality of our friendship that i loved; it was her.
Her character and personality, riddled with quirky and unpredictable points of interest, are...well, captivating. One innocent look, one casual smile, one even remotely penetrating question posed from that curiously intriguing head of hers, and i was rendered immobile. This is not to say that my heart would stop beating or my lungs would suddenly find themselves without the capacity for air. It was just that she could capture my attention for lenghty periods of time, which very few people can boast of. I'm quite easily distracted.
Her kooky humor could make me laugh with something as simple as a french fry. If you can't stare at a french fry for a while without laughing, you clearly take life too seriously. She could make me instantly comfortable. Being with her was like sitting on a big comfy couch in a room facing the ocean. Cool, mellow, free. And she wasn't afraid to burp (be completely herself). She'd just let that belch right out and would say, "whoops," which really meant, "I had to burp, so i did. Deal with it." There's so much more i could say, but this will get entirely too lengthy, so let's move on.
She's dating this guy, State, and they're getting quite serious. So, she has made the decision that any other male relationship that goes beyond "casual" is inappropriate. I understand why she feels that way, but i'm not sure i understand the practical implication of what she's doing. Group settings are allowed, one-on-one is not. Surface conversations are fine, intimate aren't kosher. At least this is what i've come to understand.
So i'm grieving. It seems the appropriate thing to do, not that i have control over it. There are five stages to grieving. I'm on stage two, anger, and i'm really feeling it. I've been angry since Sunday morning (our conversation about all this happened on Saturday night). I don't fully understand her decision, but i respect her enough to adhere to it. I'm really pissed.
She began the conversation online, so i stopped her. If we were going to have the kind of conversation where you're losing a friend, i wanted to see her face. I wanted to look her in the eye when she told me, so she could look into mine while my heart broke. So she could see my face as i expressed exactly how i was feeling. Words on a screen don't do that kind of conversation proper justice. Yes, Emily, i know...i broke up with you online, but that was a long time ago. Maybe this is cosmic irony.
AIM was the only medium Corey would work with, and i had to deal with it. A phone call couldn't even be placed, and apparently that applies to our friendship from now on. When i asked if phone calls once in a while would be okay, she said, "Let's stick to AIM for now and see where it goes." We've been seeing where it goes for the last six years. So what you're really telling me is "no".
Corey, what bothers me the most...the thing i am most agrivated by is that you were an in-the-moment friend. You weren't hindered by boundaries or limitations on who you could be to me. There was always room for more, or less; whatever the situation called for. And i loved that. If we needed, a detailed, intimate dialogue could take place. Or we could go for months without talking. And that was okay. But now you've backed away from that and put yourself in a specific area. This far, no further. I mean, there were boundaries before but they were so far out it didn't matter. Now they're quite defined.
You said we can't do one-on-one anymore, phone calls aren't cool, and casual conversation is all i can take part in. What i got from that is that i'm confined to surface conversations online for the rest of our friendship, what little of it is left at this point. That just plain sucks. Let's not sugar coat it and say, "Well, we'll play it by ear." No. Let's come to the understanding that i can't have you as an extra in the film. A background actor with a few unimportant lines like, "You want butter or cream cheese on that?" If that's where you'll be standing from now on, you're asking me to make a really difficult change. And what happens if you and State break up? Are you gonna walk back over here and say, "Hey, let's be friends,"? I don't think it'll work quite the same the second time.
That person you are that i described a few paragraphs ago? That person whom i so enjoy? You're taking her away from me. Why?
One thing i am happy about. You respected me, and our friendship, enough to have a conversation of this kind. I've had friends drift in and out, and i've been sad over many of them. But you're the first one to actually talk to me about it. Initially, i agreed with your decision, which made it all the more difficult for me. If i felt it was something stupid, i could've combatted it. I could've fought. But now i disagree. Now i want to fight. It's just plain ridiculous. I'm your brother in Christ, for cryin out loud. Don't you think you're being a bit unrealistic? There are plenty of situations where being with me one-on-one would be just fine. Two friends, hanging out. Inappropriate...hogwash!
Since i'm not in a position where i can speak with you right now, i'm not sure what else to do. All i have is my anger, my words, my music.
You said, "I'm sorry if this hurts."
It does, damnit.
Before i begin my lament over my present emotional pool, i must say that it's snowing. At least it was. I was witness to the first flakes, floating downward in a flutter of wind. It only lasted for a few minutes, a short-lived sanctuary from an otherwise moderately troubled morning. Snow fall brings me back to calm. Now it's bright and sunny out (cheery even and that just isn't doing it for me.
So...what's Adam drowning in today?
My last entry, "For Corey" is not about a real person. Corey represents my friendship with someone. I wrote it as a kind of obiutuary for its passing. I thought it would therapeutically relieve, but it didn't. So now i'm going to directly address the issue. One thing before i start. As much as i would have loved to explore romantic possibilities with Corey, i don't have a thing for her. You must understand that in order to apply what follows to a pure feeling of loss for a friend, and only a friend.
It's interesting how we meet and connect with people. For isntance, Pam and i met in Jr. High; our lockers were right next door and we used to get angry and yell at each other. Now we're good friends. Heather and i grew up in the same church, but it wasn't until our early 20's, a prayer group, and a hug preceeded by a Dr. Seuss birthday card that we became friends. It's always different, but so far my all-time favorite is Corey's. It was random and attractively unique.
I've known her for...what, six, seven years, Corey? To preface our first verbal encounter, we were at the same winter retreat with our respective church youth groups. I had, for a year or so, thought she was really cute, but i didn't have the courage to talk to her. One night all the guys in my room were talking about her "nice rack". Bothered by it, i spoke up and said, "Guys...you really should be more respectful than that."
Perhaps God rewarded me for my boldness in speaking up, or perhaps fate had it planned regardless. The next day, i was standing in the common room (where everyone would meet to socialize over games, snacks, and conversation), collecting my deck of cards that had been carelessly strewn about the room by a fan of "52 Card Pickup".
"Hey!" came a female voice from behind me. I turned around, and there was Corey, looking right at me. "Are you Adam?" she asked, making her way across the room.
A bit confused, and wondering where this could be going, i cautiously answered, "Um...yeah."
"Wanna be my friend?" came the question, from the cutest smile i had ever seen.
"Yeah," i said without hesitation, my guard now dropped.
And we had been friends ever since.
To say that we were ever intimate friends would be a topic of contraversy, but i did always consider her a good friend. There are four circles of friendship and she generally held a fluxuating position between the second and third (the first being the closest and the fourth being just this side of acquaintance). We had our share of intimate conversations, sure, but it wasn't so much the quality of our friendship that i loved; it was her.
Her character and personality, riddled with quirky and unpredictable points of interest, are...well, captivating. One innocent look, one casual smile, one even remotely penetrating question posed from that curiously intriguing head of hers, and i was rendered immobile. This is not to say that my heart would stop beating or my lungs would suddenly find themselves without the capacity for air. It was just that she could capture my attention for lenghty periods of time, which very few people can boast of. I'm quite easily distracted.
Her kooky humor could make me laugh with something as simple as a french fry. If you can't stare at a french fry for a while without laughing, you clearly take life too seriously. She could make me instantly comfortable. Being with her was like sitting on a big comfy couch in a room facing the ocean. Cool, mellow, free. And she wasn't afraid to burp (be completely herself). She'd just let that belch right out and would say, "whoops," which really meant, "I had to burp, so i did. Deal with it." There's so much more i could say, but this will get entirely too lengthy, so let's move on.
She's dating this guy, State, and they're getting quite serious. So, she has made the decision that any other male relationship that goes beyond "casual" is inappropriate. I understand why she feels that way, but i'm not sure i understand the practical implication of what she's doing. Group settings are allowed, one-on-one is not. Surface conversations are fine, intimate aren't kosher. At least this is what i've come to understand.
So i'm grieving. It seems the appropriate thing to do, not that i have control over it. There are five stages to grieving. I'm on stage two, anger, and i'm really feeling it. I've been angry since Sunday morning (our conversation about all this happened on Saturday night). I don't fully understand her decision, but i respect her enough to adhere to it. I'm really pissed.
She began the conversation online, so i stopped her. If we were going to have the kind of conversation where you're losing a friend, i wanted to see her face. I wanted to look her in the eye when she told me, so she could look into mine while my heart broke. So she could see my face as i expressed exactly how i was feeling. Words on a screen don't do that kind of conversation proper justice. Yes, Emily, i know...i broke up with you online, but that was a long time ago. Maybe this is cosmic irony.
AIM was the only medium Corey would work with, and i had to deal with it. A phone call couldn't even be placed, and apparently that applies to our friendship from now on. When i asked if phone calls once in a while would be okay, she said, "Let's stick to AIM for now and see where it goes." We've been seeing where it goes for the last six years. So what you're really telling me is "no".
Corey, what bothers me the most...the thing i am most agrivated by is that you were an in-the-moment friend. You weren't hindered by boundaries or limitations on who you could be to me. There was always room for more, or less; whatever the situation called for. And i loved that. If we needed, a detailed, intimate dialogue could take place. Or we could go for months without talking. And that was okay. But now you've backed away from that and put yourself in a specific area. This far, no further. I mean, there were boundaries before but they were so far out it didn't matter. Now they're quite defined.
You said we can't do one-on-one anymore, phone calls aren't cool, and casual conversation is all i can take part in. What i got from that is that i'm confined to surface conversations online for the rest of our friendship, what little of it is left at this point. That just plain sucks. Let's not sugar coat it and say, "Well, we'll play it by ear." No. Let's come to the understanding that i can't have you as an extra in the film. A background actor with a few unimportant lines like, "You want butter or cream cheese on that?" If that's where you'll be standing from now on, you're asking me to make a really difficult change. And what happens if you and State break up? Are you gonna walk back over here and say, "Hey, let's be friends,"? I don't think it'll work quite the same the second time.
That person you are that i described a few paragraphs ago? That person whom i so enjoy? You're taking her away from me. Why?
One thing i am happy about. You respected me, and our friendship, enough to have a conversation of this kind. I've had friends drift in and out, and i've been sad over many of them. But you're the first one to actually talk to me about it. Initially, i agreed with your decision, which made it all the more difficult for me. If i felt it was something stupid, i could've combatted it. I could've fought. But now i disagree. Now i want to fight. It's just plain ridiculous. I'm your brother in Christ, for cryin out loud. Don't you think you're being a bit unrealistic? There are plenty of situations where being with me one-on-one would be just fine. Two friends, hanging out. Inappropriate...hogwash!
Since i'm not in a position where i can speak with you right now, i'm not sure what else to do. All i have is my anger, my words, my music.
You said, "I'm sorry if this hurts."
It does, damnit.
posted by Still Daddy at 11:13 PM
4 Comments:
i think it's mean to do that to someone. you don't walk down a dark alley in a city by yourself but that doesn't mean you don't visit the city at all. either he is very possessive, in which case i wonder about their relationship, or she doesn't trust herself.....in which case i wonder about their relationship.
my heart goes out to you adam.
I think it's sad that she can't have other male friends just because she's getting serious with her boyfriend. I also think that it's not so smart. It makes it sound like he doesn't trust her. Maybe that's just me.
*hugs*
Hey Adam, its Sarah -- so I was thinking about this whole situation and I understand that you are feeling angry and hurt and not really liking "Corey" right now but I feel that if this boy is already controlling what friends she has and you know have to think what is he going to control next. Maybe I am off base here but I feel that this is not a healthy relationship if the person is controlling and not trusting the other individual -- I feel that it may lead to abuse and it doesnt have to be physical abuse, it already seems to be bordering emotional/ psychological abuse. But I feel that this is the time that your Friend "Corey" is going to need you the most. But hey, as dennis miller always says, " That's just my opinion, I could be wrong." ~Sarah
Hey, I had a guy friend who taught me to play guitar and we had a thing between us. I wasn't really saved at that point in time and knew a lot less about Christ than I do know, and so he broke off what we had going, saying that I wasn't in his religion so he couldn't date me. It made me really sad, especially when I was willing to learn about his religion. Recently he got married I found out. He stopped talking to me long ago, save a rare day when I actually got through to him at his home phone. We caught up on some things, said we'd have to get together sometime to hang out. But he never called me back, and I didn't try calling again. I just let him go. But I still think about what he set me up for sometimes. Although it hurt a lot to lose a friend, I took with me enough of an understanding of guitar to play on my own, and now I know some worship songs that I can play at bible studies or prayer meetings to get things going. I only learned that stuff from my freshmen year of high school! And I've carried it with me to college! I don't know that you learned anything from Corey, but she is someone who touched your life, and maybe someday, somehow, oyu will benefit from having known her. Maybe you will share your experience with a new Christian or someone who does not have Christ at all, and relate to them a worldy experience with a holy outlook. Then again, maybe I'm not helping you at all with this. It is in May afterall that I'm commenting on this. lol
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