On Love, Relationships And The Conclusion Of Flies
This is REALLY long! I'm just warning you.
One of you, anonymously (seriously, leave your name!) asked if Flies (see the entry, "Flies: It's Still On My Mind") were in fact still on my mind.
Good question.
Before I answer, however, allow me to elaborate on what Flies was (and still is but to a far lesser extent). I feel it's permissable at this point since the conversation has already taken place and the issues are out in the open and pretty much resolved.
I won't go into heavy detail but here it is:
It would sometimes bother me, even hurt, when Alyssa would get physical with another guy. Now don't read that and start questioning why I'm with her. She's just a big hugger and she's also very energetic and playful. So, on occasion, when she's just playing with a friend (mind you, this is with a bunch of people around so it's not like she's hiding anything or doing something bad), I interperet it as being flirty. And it's not that I think she's flirting because I know she's not. She has well proven herself in that area and fortified a trust in her. It's that she's very innocent and I don't want him to interperet it as flirting (or anything inappropriate for that matter).
I was also thrown off one night when she used the phrase "I love you" with a male friend. That one hit pretty hard.
But why? Why did all this bother me?
After a couple weeks of praying, thinking, and obvious guidance from the Lord, I came to a few conclusions that I wanted to share with Alyssa. If not to resolve issues, at least to get them in the open so that Satan would have less use of them against me. It's always better to bring something to the light. When left in the darkness, it can fester and grow into something even worse. I always feel better after I've opened up.
And these were my thoughts:
Throughout the short span of my life, I have been developing opinions. We all do. And in this case, especially over the last year, I have decided to keep certain affections and endearments close to my heart. I'm very particular with who they're distributed to; I don't just hand them out to anyone.
Alyssa, on the other hand, is very free with love in its various forms. She is not afraid to tell you she loves you or give you a hug just about any time. And that conflicts with how I do things. While I don't want to change her, it is sometimes a struggle to see her being affectionate with other guys. I mean, she's affectionate with all of her friends, it's just hard with the guys.
And I'm not the only male who struggles with this. That at least let's me know I'm not alone.
But then, two days before the conversation, God took my thoughts in a completely different direction. I began to process thoughts in a new light.
What if she's right?
The very second I asked that question, something inside me melted. Some cold, bitter thing that I had carried around for years just up and vanished. I felt it. Not to be cliche, but a burden was lifted. And being that it was so freeing a thought, I continued with it.
What if I had been holding back a gift that belongs to everyone? Love is a gift that belongs to all of us. God's love is for all. Alyssa knows this. Her heart is so big and the love she shows is so genuine. The world is in desperate need for more people like her.
We've shut off love, or at least turned it way down. Somewhere, somehow, we became afraid to love. I'll get hurt. I'll pour all this love out and get none in return. No one cares anyway.
All lies.
Love, in its true, godly form, is perfect. It warms the heart and melts hate. It isn't biased or easily thwarted. It's the most powerful force in the world.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Jesus Christ didn't express love to just his disciples. He loved everyone equally. Alyssa follows that example to a far greater degree than I. She is not wrong in what she is seeking to do; to share the love of Christ. I so badly want to be able to do that. To love the people around me without hinderance or restraint.
But of course, as with most things, there is the other side.
"'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is constructive. No one should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Corinthians 13:23-24)
Jesus Christ, while exemplifying Christ's love, did not have the same relationship with everyone. He had earthly family, His Heavenly Father, friends, closer friends. His main group of friends, the disciples, got to see an intimate side of Jesus that no one else did. Take the last supper for instance; only the disciples. And even within the group, some were closer than others. When Jesus went to Gethsemane, all the disciples went with Him. But He asked Peter, James and John specifically to accompany Him and pray.
Did He love them all? Yes. But did they all have the same relationship with Him? No.
And so it is with love. We are to love everyone but our relationships are all different. My relationship with my brother, Ben, is different than my relationship with my friend, Topher. My relatinoship with my cousin, Chelsea, is different than my relationship with Alyssa. I love them all but in different ways.
I guess somewhere along the line, I feared that Alyssa would not make that distinction. For instance, when she said "I love you" to her friend and saw that it hurt me, she said "I love you" to me. Having not come yet to any of the previously mentioned conclusions, it offered no comfort. I wondered, instead, how special it was if she said it to everyone.
I have learned to differentiate between them now. I realize that she can and does distinguish one from another. I knew that anyway but Satan loves to play the deception card, so it would sometimes seem otherwise.
Then there's the question of what's appropriate and what's not. I don't think it's an easy answer. Relationships (friends, familly, romantic, otherwise) like much in life, are case-by-case. What applies to one may not apply to another, no matter how similar.
There are, however, boundaries that must be in place and maintained. One of these boundaries I had to learn through pain, but it was (is) an important lesson. A thank you goes out to Grace for this one. She was previously referred to as "Corey" several entries back. Through your example, hard as it was, I have grown. I have learned.
Perhaps you, like I, cringe at the word "inappropriate". But for me to be in a relationship and to hang out with another girl (woman, female, whatever) is just that. Inappropriate. It can be viewed in a way that was unintended, both by the party included and by outsiders. It may give the wrong idea or send the wrong "signal". It may hurt the person you're in a relationship with. Whatever the case, I find it inappropriate.
Unless it's an emergency, I will not spend time with a girl, just the two of us. A long time friend rolls into town and wants to catch up with me over lunch. Fine. Dinner? I don't know. Dinner just has a different feel to it. Lunch is an eat-it-anywhere, on-the-go kind of meal. Dinner is a time spent with family and those close to you as you unwind at the end of the day. At least it should be. Some late night conversation, maybe a movie (with the friend)? Absolutely not.
One of the hardest things to do is rebuild boundaries after a relationship. As friends, areas of your heart are off limits. While in the relationship, a closeness is allowed. A certain intimate bond. Post relationship, however, those boundaries MUST be put back in place.
After I broke up with Heather, I knew we could not spend time alone with each other. It aids in rebuilding, healing and all those steps you have to go through. It brings finality and closure. What once was is no more, and cannot continue. I mean, I love her (as a friend) but the boundaries must remain protected.
Pam and I have been friends since Jr. High (middle school if that's what you call it). We've been very close at points and less close at others. But we've been friends for a long time. Once my relationship with Alyssa started, I needed to set up boundaries with Pam. I told her that I would no longer spend late nights with her, watch movies alone with her or spend time one-on-one. Partly because I had a thing for her at one point (and in those relationships all of this is particularly important) but it was mostly because I wanted to avoid anything (here's the word again) inappropriate. It's also out of respect to Alyssa and our relationship.
Can I hang out with Chelsea? Sure, she's my cousin. She's family. That's different.
I don't trust certain guys in her (Alyssa's) life that I have not made mention of so as to respect their current state of anonymity. As I said, she's just an innocent girl trying to bring out the best of the world. But while trying to bring out the good, she can sometimes miss the other side. I mean, we all do. Love can melt the bad in the world. God has shown me that, often through her. Love is amazing but it can be taken advantage of. Caution must be exercised and that is why I continue to watch these things carefully.
So what is the conclusion of all this?
Well a lot of it is just thinking outwrite. But I can say that I want to love more evidently and openly those around me. I trust Alyssa but I do not trust the world (the collective of sin we have put in it). And so we learn from each other as the Lord guides us. Four years ago I wasn't ready for any of this. But God has been building my character little by little, removing the layers of flesh to reveal the true heart and soul inside. There are still many more layers to go but we're getting there.
Baby steps.
One of you, anonymously (seriously, leave your name!) asked if Flies (see the entry, "Flies: It's Still On My Mind") were in fact still on my mind.
Good question.
Before I answer, however, allow me to elaborate on what Flies was (and still is but to a far lesser extent). I feel it's permissable at this point since the conversation has already taken place and the issues are out in the open and pretty much resolved.
I won't go into heavy detail but here it is:
It would sometimes bother me, even hurt, when Alyssa would get physical with another guy. Now don't read that and start questioning why I'm with her. She's just a big hugger and she's also very energetic and playful. So, on occasion, when she's just playing with a friend (mind you, this is with a bunch of people around so it's not like she's hiding anything or doing something bad), I interperet it as being flirty. And it's not that I think she's flirting because I know she's not. She has well proven herself in that area and fortified a trust in her. It's that she's very innocent and I don't want him to interperet it as flirting (or anything inappropriate for that matter).
I was also thrown off one night when she used the phrase "I love you" with a male friend. That one hit pretty hard.
But why? Why did all this bother me?
After a couple weeks of praying, thinking, and obvious guidance from the Lord, I came to a few conclusions that I wanted to share with Alyssa. If not to resolve issues, at least to get them in the open so that Satan would have less use of them against me. It's always better to bring something to the light. When left in the darkness, it can fester and grow into something even worse. I always feel better after I've opened up.
And these were my thoughts:
Throughout the short span of my life, I have been developing opinions. We all do. And in this case, especially over the last year, I have decided to keep certain affections and endearments close to my heart. I'm very particular with who they're distributed to; I don't just hand them out to anyone.
Alyssa, on the other hand, is very free with love in its various forms. She is not afraid to tell you she loves you or give you a hug just about any time. And that conflicts with how I do things. While I don't want to change her, it is sometimes a struggle to see her being affectionate with other guys. I mean, she's affectionate with all of her friends, it's just hard with the guys.
And I'm not the only male who struggles with this. That at least let's me know I'm not alone.
But then, two days before the conversation, God took my thoughts in a completely different direction. I began to process thoughts in a new light.
What if she's right?
The very second I asked that question, something inside me melted. Some cold, bitter thing that I had carried around for years just up and vanished. I felt it. Not to be cliche, but a burden was lifted. And being that it was so freeing a thought, I continued with it.
What if I had been holding back a gift that belongs to everyone? Love is a gift that belongs to all of us. God's love is for all. Alyssa knows this. Her heart is so big and the love she shows is so genuine. The world is in desperate need for more people like her.
We've shut off love, or at least turned it way down. Somewhere, somehow, we became afraid to love. I'll get hurt. I'll pour all this love out and get none in return. No one cares anyway.
All lies.
Love, in its true, godly form, is perfect. It warms the heart and melts hate. It isn't biased or easily thwarted. It's the most powerful force in the world.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Jesus Christ didn't express love to just his disciples. He loved everyone equally. Alyssa follows that example to a far greater degree than I. She is not wrong in what she is seeking to do; to share the love of Christ. I so badly want to be able to do that. To love the people around me without hinderance or restraint.
But of course, as with most things, there is the other side.
"'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible' --but not everything is constructive. No one should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Corinthians 13:23-24)
Jesus Christ, while exemplifying Christ's love, did not have the same relationship with everyone. He had earthly family, His Heavenly Father, friends, closer friends. His main group of friends, the disciples, got to see an intimate side of Jesus that no one else did. Take the last supper for instance; only the disciples. And even within the group, some were closer than others. When Jesus went to Gethsemane, all the disciples went with Him. But He asked Peter, James and John specifically to accompany Him and pray.
Did He love them all? Yes. But did they all have the same relationship with Him? No.
And so it is with love. We are to love everyone but our relationships are all different. My relationship with my brother, Ben, is different than my relationship with my friend, Topher. My relatinoship with my cousin, Chelsea, is different than my relationship with Alyssa. I love them all but in different ways.
I guess somewhere along the line, I feared that Alyssa would not make that distinction. For instance, when she said "I love you" to her friend and saw that it hurt me, she said "I love you" to me. Having not come yet to any of the previously mentioned conclusions, it offered no comfort. I wondered, instead, how special it was if she said it to everyone.
I have learned to differentiate between them now. I realize that she can and does distinguish one from another. I knew that anyway but Satan loves to play the deception card, so it would sometimes seem otherwise.
Then there's the question of what's appropriate and what's not. I don't think it's an easy answer. Relationships (friends, familly, romantic, otherwise) like much in life, are case-by-case. What applies to one may not apply to another, no matter how similar.
There are, however, boundaries that must be in place and maintained. One of these boundaries I had to learn through pain, but it was (is) an important lesson. A thank you goes out to Grace for this one. She was previously referred to as "Corey" several entries back. Through your example, hard as it was, I have grown. I have learned.
Perhaps you, like I, cringe at the word "inappropriate". But for me to be in a relationship and to hang out with another girl (woman, female, whatever) is just that. Inappropriate. It can be viewed in a way that was unintended, both by the party included and by outsiders. It may give the wrong idea or send the wrong "signal". It may hurt the person you're in a relationship with. Whatever the case, I find it inappropriate.
Unless it's an emergency, I will not spend time with a girl, just the two of us. A long time friend rolls into town and wants to catch up with me over lunch. Fine. Dinner? I don't know. Dinner just has a different feel to it. Lunch is an eat-it-anywhere, on-the-go kind of meal. Dinner is a time spent with family and those close to you as you unwind at the end of the day. At least it should be. Some late night conversation, maybe a movie (with the friend)? Absolutely not.
One of the hardest things to do is rebuild boundaries after a relationship. As friends, areas of your heart are off limits. While in the relationship, a closeness is allowed. A certain intimate bond. Post relationship, however, those boundaries MUST be put back in place.
After I broke up with Heather, I knew we could not spend time alone with each other. It aids in rebuilding, healing and all those steps you have to go through. It brings finality and closure. What once was is no more, and cannot continue. I mean, I love her (as a friend) but the boundaries must remain protected.
Pam and I have been friends since Jr. High (middle school if that's what you call it). We've been very close at points and less close at others. But we've been friends for a long time. Once my relationship with Alyssa started, I needed to set up boundaries with Pam. I told her that I would no longer spend late nights with her, watch movies alone with her or spend time one-on-one. Partly because I had a thing for her at one point (and in those relationships all of this is particularly important) but it was mostly because I wanted to avoid anything (here's the word again) inappropriate. It's also out of respect to Alyssa and our relationship.
Can I hang out with Chelsea? Sure, she's my cousin. She's family. That's different.
I don't trust certain guys in her (Alyssa's) life that I have not made mention of so as to respect their current state of anonymity. As I said, she's just an innocent girl trying to bring out the best of the world. But while trying to bring out the good, she can sometimes miss the other side. I mean, we all do. Love can melt the bad in the world. God has shown me that, often through her. Love is amazing but it can be taken advantage of. Caution must be exercised and that is why I continue to watch these things carefully.
So what is the conclusion of all this?
Well a lot of it is just thinking outwrite. But I can say that I want to love more evidently and openly those around me. I trust Alyssa but I do not trust the world (the collective of sin we have put in it). And so we learn from each other as the Lord guides us. Four years ago I wasn't ready for any of this. But God has been building my character little by little, removing the layers of flesh to reveal the true heart and soul inside. There are still many more layers to go but we're getting there.
Baby steps.
posted by Still Daddy at 8:54 PM
3 Comments:
Very interesting post Adam. You definitely have changed and grown with your view of hanging out with friends who are women. I remember having a conversation with you about 3 years or so ago about this or something rather similar and you were not at the point that you're at now. I'm proud of you. You are a good friend and are being wonderful to Alyssa. She's blessed to have you for sure. I hope that I get to meet her sometime =)
In response to Jess' comment, yes, I am very blessed to have found such a wonderful, dashing lad who I love very much. Adam, you are kind, gentle, as well as fun to be with and strong and courageous and faithful. sigh... I just love you. I thank God for you, and for your heart to serve and protect me.
Wow!! Adam I am proud to be your mom. I am glad in your young life you have learned how to say "I love you" to people who mean a lot to you.. and what is, and what is not "appropriate." It is truly a gift to tell people you love them and to understand the many facets of love, God's love for us, our love for other's. You are an amazing young man, and I love you!
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