It's What You Do With Them
It's late and I should be in bed. But I'm thinking (and overly so) and thus cannot find it in myself to let go of consciousness.
So here I lie. Waiting, I think.
You see, getting hurt isn't bad, nor is being angry or frustrated. These things are natural and part of life and to feel them is not only permissable but expected. It's what you do with them that's right or wrong.
For instance, to be hurt by a few words from someone, however insignificant they may seem to anyone else, isn't wrong. Even if that hurt turns to anger, I think you're still in the green. Mind you, these are words that were not intended as they seem. However, when that anger is allowed to fester until you feel resentment and perhaps do not even feel like conversing with this person, that's not so good.
But I did that.
I let my hurt turn into anger, and instead of addressing it right away with a small, "Ouch. That didn't feel so good" or "Whoa, did you really mean that?" I ran. Not the kind of running to get away and cool down before calmly dealing with it, but running away from something. Being hurt causes me to back away. To close up. To shut off from the people (or person) around me. I huddle back into my shell where it's safe and warm and I can't get hurt. It's what's been taught to me over the years (though indirectly and unintended).
So for the entire evening, phone calls were vague and disconnected. I was quick and uninvolved because I didn't want to get hurt again. So I stayed back. "I'm fine" was the image I wanted to convey because "I'm hurt" makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable to further pain.
Of course none of this is valid. It's valid as far as the truth of its explanation but to fear these things around the particular individual in question is just silly. She wouldn't do anything to hurt me or cause me pain. She wants to see me do nothing but succeed and be that man that God created. Not that man, but me. This man.
So why did I fear vulnerability around her?
Because it went beyond the small thing I told you about in the phone call. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the main reason for the hurt was larger than the small bit I conveyed to you on the phone. It was a little biger than that (I realized that later).
But anyway...I'm tired enough that I just woke up to find this entry gone. Fortunately it was one button click away from its never having existed.
I'm not enjoying this lack of conclusion.
Sigh.
So here I lie. Waiting, I think.
You see, getting hurt isn't bad, nor is being angry or frustrated. These things are natural and part of life and to feel them is not only permissable but expected. It's what you do with them that's right or wrong.
For instance, to be hurt by a few words from someone, however insignificant they may seem to anyone else, isn't wrong. Even if that hurt turns to anger, I think you're still in the green. Mind you, these are words that were not intended as they seem. However, when that anger is allowed to fester until you feel resentment and perhaps do not even feel like conversing with this person, that's not so good.
But I did that.
I let my hurt turn into anger, and instead of addressing it right away with a small, "Ouch. That didn't feel so good" or "Whoa, did you really mean that?" I ran. Not the kind of running to get away and cool down before calmly dealing with it, but running away from something. Being hurt causes me to back away. To close up. To shut off from the people (or person) around me. I huddle back into my shell where it's safe and warm and I can't get hurt. It's what's been taught to me over the years (though indirectly and unintended).
So for the entire evening, phone calls were vague and disconnected. I was quick and uninvolved because I didn't want to get hurt again. So I stayed back. "I'm fine" was the image I wanted to convey because "I'm hurt" makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable to further pain.
Of course none of this is valid. It's valid as far as the truth of its explanation but to fear these things around the particular individual in question is just silly. She wouldn't do anything to hurt me or cause me pain. She wants to see me do nothing but succeed and be that man that God created. Not that man, but me. This man.
So why did I fear vulnerability around her?
Because it went beyond the small thing I told you about in the phone call. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the main reason for the hurt was larger than the small bit I conveyed to you on the phone. It was a little biger than that (I realized that later).
But anyway...I'm tired enough that I just woke up to find this entry gone. Fortunately it was one button click away from its never having existed.
I'm not enjoying this lack of conclusion.
Sigh.
posted by Still Daddy at 12:19 AM
1 Comments:
that doesn't make you weak. if anything, it exemplifies your strength in a different level. and Adam... you ARE the man I need you to be because God created you to be so. And even though you still have a long journey ahead of you (we all do), at this time you are right where you are supposed to be. I love you.
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